Oh, God, Not Another Business Major

by Kaia Thompson

Last year, my roommate and I were looking to start a new show. Nothing crazy, just something we could throw on at the end of the day and make it a little bit easier to procrastinate our respective piles of homework. We decided to start Succession, a show of which we both had little to no prior knowledge on. We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into.

While the show did start out a little slow, we quickly found ourselves sucked into the Waystar drama, quickly throwing profanities at the TV whenever Logan Roy appeared and wooing appropriately at Shiv Roy’s girlbossery. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that Succession is supposed to be a drama, and not a The Office-style satirical mockumentary. 

For those who haven’t had the pleasure of viewing, let me break it down in layman’s terms. Logan Roy– the big man– is the CEO of Waystar RoyCo, a New York-based media conglomerate. His four children, Shiv, Roman, Kendall, and Connor, are all players in the corporation. Each child (sans Connor) is constantly fighting for the chance to be the next CEO. Throw in some plunging stocks, billion-dollar debts, hostile takeovers, excessive use of the word “fuck,” and failing marriages, you’ve basically watched all three seasons. 

Each character has their own separate arc, and it’s almost hard to keep up with the shifting alliances. With each passing episode, my roommate and I found ourselves asking the same question: what would the characters of Succession be like as American University students? 

Kendall Roy, the ultimate Tumblr babygirl. My gut tells me Kogod School of Business, but my heart tells me something a little more palatable to the soul. However, this is 100% just personal bias because there is no way Kendall Roy wasn’t in Kogod every morning at 8am in his Introduction to Overthrowing Your Father Economics lecture. While he may be an insufferable piece of capitalist daddy’s money, he is still my number one boy (ouch). Kendall is one of the only characters on Succession who isn’t afraid to show emotion, however private that emotion may be – we’ve all screamed into a towel in the bathroom during the family function before, right? This leads me to believe that there is the slightest of chances for him to be converted, lest he follow his path into unreturnable darkness (read: the path on the quad that leads to Kogod). He is definitely one of the students in your  “Individual Freedom vs. Authority” class that thinks he can outtalk both the professor and Socrates himself. 

Shiv definitely double majored in the School of Public Affairs and the School of Communication. Shiv had her first hillternship on lock by the end of her fall semester of freshman year and wrote political opinion pieces for The Eagle. Shiv and Tom, her on-screen fiancé, would’ve met in a business law class (Shiv verbally destroyed a nameless Kogod Bro™️ while wearing a designer pantsuit, and the rest was history). She pulled entire Apple ecosystems out of her leather briefcase before every class and averaged two arguments per week per professor. Students either loved her ability to waste class time or debated changing their major every time she raised her hand. 

Roman, on the other hand, didn’t learn where TDR was until halfway through the spring semester of his freshman year, and when he did, only used his meal swipes for the pizza and to judge ongoers from the second level seating. Roman was also in SPA, and I’d like to imagine that at some point Shiv and Roman found themselves in the same class (wouldn’t I love to be a fly on that wall). He definitely minored in Women and Gender Studies because he thought he’d get to hear hot (probably older, if you know anything about his relationship with his on-screen…romantic interest? Friend? Mentor? Boss? I don’t know) professors talk about sex. I know in my heart this is true.  

Connor Roy made it through his first semester and then dropped out to move to New Mexico. As an avid hater of the government, he decided that a private university centered around politics in Washington, D.C. was not exactly his speed (maybe he was on to something?)

Cousin Greg started as a SPA major and then switched to Kogod after a semester because Tom probably told him that being a business major is better. The men’s basketball coach saw Greg on the quad and asked if he’d ever played before because if we can’t recruit talent, we can at least recruit height. Multiple students, and the occasional professor, visibly rolled their eyes anytime he opened his mouth in class. Based on his responses during the season two Congressional hearings, (i.e., “If it is to be said, so it be, so it is.”) I’d have to bring a double shot of espresso to any class I knew he’d be presenting in. 

So, if you’re looking for a hot, fresh, and fun new show to start, Succession is definitely one of my top recommendations. There’s nothing like watching a bunch of rich nepotism kids sit on their private jets and verbally tear each other apart – you’d be surprised at the level of creativity these insults can reach. And, while you’re at it, make your own assumptions about the Roy’s – as long as we both agree on Roman’s minor.