Bah Humbug Mfs
The views of this article do not reflect the views or values of The Rival as a whole. The Rival loves Halloween.
By Alex Murphy
Yes, here I am, back again complaining about something that didn't intentionally seek out confrontation against me.
Here we are entering the Halloween season, inching closer and closer to a college student's favorite time of year! Everyone except me. There's your punch line.
Call me Bill Murray as we travel away to the far away land that is scrutinized-Halloween. There is no need for the ghost of Halloween past, present, and future to haunt and lecture me about my party-pooper mentality.
But right, Bill Murray. That's me for this rendition of Alex Murphy's public forum. I'll take it as a compliment. Phenomenal actor and public figure with quite the reputation for comedic humor and courtesy.
Halloween never did anything to me except spark internal consumerism and steal my money for a one-time-wear. It always was the reason why I got that nasty stomach ache in the first week of November or why I was terrorized for my Lego figure inspired DIY costume for the entirety of my elementary school tenure. Thank you very much, it still stings a little.
You're welcome for the visual.
Anyways, Halloween is once again an Americanized version of something that's origin stemmed from capitalism and some Celtic harvest festival… maybe? Don’t come at me if I’m wrong please! Here I am making myself look like a Communist, but I'm serious. I am not scared of the ghost of Joseph McCarthy. There's a market for the overpriced one-piece sets and the jumbo sized candy and household decorations. It all fuels a greater beast: the campaign of capitalism.
As a child, sure, Halloween created some great memories, but once you hit age 12 and actually hit puberty on time, you were stuck in the wretched lull of B.P. (Before Parties) and A.C. (After Childhood). When you're 13, you’re not sneaking out to crack open cold ones with your buddies or get white girl wasted on White Claws. You're going to either:
A) Be in charge of chaperoning your younger siblings around to your neighbors’ houses, which potentially could be worth it if you apply The Older Sibling Tax
or
B) You'll find yourself alone on a (usually) weekday night going to bed at a reasonable hour.
What's the fun in that?
You might be saying to yourself: "Now Alex, it just sounds like you’ve had a rough go around with Halloween. How can you judge it so harshly if you haven’t seen it from different perspectives?"
Now reader, you are wrong, I have definitely had some good Halloween experiences. Just look at him:
That's the happiest damn Bob the Builder I've ever seen! Tell me I'm wrong.
Fast forward to the age of high school and college Halloween parties. Oh no, why am I taking the “ghost of past, present, and future” approach now?
Picture this: Here we are, thinking that we were actually peaking in high school (oh how wrong we were). That sentence was definitely not just me tooting my own horn.
Boom, great times with friends… until… oh shit! Halloween at AU.
Yikes…
All aboard the WONK express. Case and point.
Halloween at AU is not it. Think about it. Halloween is the lamest excuse to get way too drunk and dress up like a fool. Yes, bah humbug. I am paying for all this shit. I need to get that bread, degree, then leave. Peace out!
Hear me out: KOGOD in general, wannabe presidents, and "Greek life." Does that really sound fun? Count me out. Call me responsible for having all of my midterms turned in on time. I'll be at home saving my money and time (also getting my sleep) waiting for the next Americanized, capitalistic holiday that we choose to celebrate.
29 days and counting until Thanksgiving!