A Plea to Mother Nature

by Alex Murphy

Unpopular opinion, I miss the hot and humid D.C. weather. I’m not a fan of this wannabe northeastern weather. I wake up in the morning to feel the wrath of a bipolar mother nature who thinks it is okay to have 30 degrees for a low and 70 for a high. Unacceptable.

Call me a baby, but I’m just being reasonable. Is it a crime to want consistency? Enough  of this frigid wind and rain one day, and then a bright and sunny summer tease the next. Enough of this bundling up in the morning and wanting to peel off clothes as the day progresses. Layering? Why is that even a concept? Who gave the weather permission to be this way?

“Oh, it’s not even that cold. Stop complaining about it,” said every New Jersey head ever.

Give me a break. We all see you guys complaining about how terrible the weather is in the summer.

“It is so damn hot. Why is it so swampy? I just wish it was snowing already.” 

Or worst of all, the “I would much rather put more clothes on than not be able to take any more off.” Ugh, that’s an ick in itself.

No rational person should wish for there to be snow. Sure, it’s pretty for the first day, but then it turns into sludgy ice that looks like lumps of shit on the side of the road for as long as it doesn’t melt away. Soak it up snowflakes!

If you want it to be colder, then why don't you leave? I wish I could migrate. Have my summers in Maine and my winters in Florida. That honestly seems like the most logistical way to avoid terrible weather. There is no singular location where the weather is absolutely perfect. Too far down South you get hit with a hurricane every other day. Out West everything is either on fire or too wet from the endless amounts of rain. The middle of the country is dry and miserable.  In the Mid-Atlantic, it’s just the combination of all the shitty weather you can imagine. We get the hurricanes, we get the swampy humidity, we get the occasional snow, and then we have no idea how to handle it.

Yes, I am whining. Yes, this is a rant. Yes, this is a memo to voice my frustration, but at the end of the day, I will do nothing about it. I will just be here, sucking it up. Praying that there will be no snow and a speedy return to temperate weather, while all you Jersey heads, upstate New Yorkers, and rich kids from New England bask in your overly-glorified specks of white garbage falling from the sky. 

Enjoy it while you can Northerners.