Why Marrying a Military Man is Good for You

By Greta Redleaf

One of my fatal flaws in life is being attracted to men. More specifically, military men. I just can't resist a man in uniform. My friends mock me for this, but honestly? It’s a gift. Having matched with many military men on various dating apps, I started to realize that there are a multitude of benefits to starting a life with one.

First, they spend a lot of time at the gym. This benefits you if you ever have to move. No need to hire a mover; just sit back, relax, and let the toxic masculinity do its job. Second, whenever they are deployed or at training, you only have to buy food for yourself. No more overpriced protein powder and power bars; treat yourself to a nice Pinot Grigio and a box of chocolates. While your husband is off committing genocide, you, can blast Mitski and Girl in Red throughout the house while you cook for yourself and only yourself. 

However, you do have to be careful with who you choose to marry. You don’t want to be stuck with someone of low rank, or you won’t get as nice of a house. If you must marry a man who is low in rank, make sure he’s ambitious and wants to rise in status. “Private’s wife” just doesn't have a nice ring to it. I, personally, recommend marrying someone higher in rank from the start. Find a nice corporal, or maybe a staff sergeant if you’re lucky. The nicer the house, the more money you’re getting from the government, and isn’t that the ultimate goal? 

Finally, by marrying a military man, you get free housing. Instead of worrying about paying a mortgage, you can focus on the hot sergeant's wife next door. I kid, but if this is an interest of yours, stay tuned for our next installment: how marrying a military man turns you into a lesbian! The military is getting more diverse, so the same system could work if you are interested in the lonely husbands of military women. Lets face it: housing is expensive and this also is an opportunity to find love! Many of us are burnt out and could use a few years of being a housewife and working on overpriced Pinterest crafts. Remember, it's not what you can do for misogyny, it's what misogyny can do for you.