Abolish the Princess Protection Program

By Anonymous

The WLW community has protected pillow princesses for far too long. I am here today to expose the Hollywood starlets that I think are not pulling their weight based on my 22 years of celibacy. Here are the bottom contenders. 

King Princess

Now, no person that is on straight TikTok and enjoys it would ever reciprocate. Why would any person that isn’t a pillow princess try so hard to be accepted by the straight population? For the untrained eye, she seems like a top but she is sadly overcompensating. 

Kate Winslet

What is the real reason she knows 4 people in the industry that are gay? 

Portia de Rossi

How do you think Portia has been married to Ellen all these years? It’s the only way to stop Ellen from insulting poor people. Portia, we forgive you. Thank you for taking one for the team. Can you imagine a single Ellen? I don’t even want to think about the thirst traps. 

Hayley Kiyoko

Hayley has been wrongly proclaimed by Millenials as the lesbian Jesus. I know a fraud when I see one. 

Miley Cyrus

No woman that has ever gone down on women would ever say that being gay is a choice. The women she had sex with are clearly resenting her. Stella Maxwell, speak up. Trust me, no one will think you’re lying for attention. 

Lindsay Lohan

This is not really the fault of Lindsay, more the fault of the bottom-of-the-food-chain queer women. She was the “it girl” of the 2000s. I think she attracted the crowd of queer women that are really into straight girls looking to experiment. 

Clairo

I really have no reason for this one. I just have a feeling. I feel bad for Snail Mail. She was probably doing all the heavy lifting. 

Megan Thee Stallion

No woman that obsessed with her boyfriend or that excited to give a blow job could ever be anything but a pillow princess. As a bisexual woman, I don’t understand. No one likes giving blow jobs. It’s a means to an end. 

Demi Lovato

Demi is too self-absorbed to be anything but a pillow princess. Do you really need two youtube documentaries? I think the Princess Protection Program was wrongly named. I think it was too scandalous for Disney Channel but that couldn’t fool the WLW community. I think we all owe Selena Gomez an apology for being forced to protect a pillow princess from being exposed. 

I’m not saying these celebrities should be canceled. I just think they should be ostracized from the community. Our leaders, Kristen Stewart and Aubrey Plaza, will decide their fate. Secretly, I’m hoping for a few executions.