Jeff Bezos Steps Down as Amazon CEO to Take Position at American University’s Kogod School of Business
One of America’s worst to teach some of American’s worst
By: Talia Marshall
In a shocking development, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has announced that he will be stepping down to pursue a career as a professor at the Kogod School of Business.
Earlier this year, it was announced that Tesla CEO Elon Musk had replaced Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos as the world’s richest person. Not to be outdone, Bezos applied for the open lecturer position at American University’s Kogod School of Business.
In his application, Bezos said he hopes to train the next generation of Jeff Jocks and Bezos Babes. According to his plan, they will one day overtake Musk “or whoever” and help Professor B. experience what he likes to call, “sweet sweet revenge.” This story will be updated when The Rival determines what sort of revenge Bezos plans to obtain backed by AU Kogod students.
On Tuesday, Bezos shared that he would be stepping down as Amazon CEO, supposedly to serve as Executive Chair of what CAS Sophomore Ginger Amberson dubbed “everyone’s least favorite corporation.” However, in an email to the Rival on Wednesday, Bezos revealed that he had also accepted a position in Kogod. Once he steps down, Bezos will be using his newfound free time not to, “solve world hunger,” or, “become a millionaire instead of a billionaire,” but instead will teach classes in a place where they say, “on Kogod” unironically.
AU President Sylvia M. Burwell’s endorsement of Bezos for the position confirms that there is no bad blood between the former Walmart Foundation president and the soon-to-be-former Amazon CEO. In fact, there are rumors they may even be friends, as they are both affiliated with the elite Alfalfa Club.
Burwell has also been in contact with her fellow #girlboss, MacKenzie Scott (formerly Bezos), to check in following Jeff Bezos’ hire. Scott reportedly told Burwell to make sure the contract with Bezos was “tighter than her prenup with Jeffie,” to which Burwell responded “careful ladies, there’s shattered glass!” The Rival is unsure of the relevance of this reference at this time. To fact check, Bezos’ new position is not a #girlboss moment: adding another rich white guy to Kogod is not a shattered glass ceiling but another mile added to the ozone hole’s circumference.
In his email to The Rival, Bezos said “Writing a check to make the future bearable and liveable would be too easy. Also, doing so is simply not in my character, or lack thereof. I’d rather spend my time with American’s youth, helping other white boys learn to be the worst version of themselves they possibly could be.”
Bezos will begin teaching in Summer 2021. His specific class schedule has not been announced, though Kogod students are hoping he’ll be teaching the ever-popular KSB-666 “Late Stage Capitalist Strategies That Will Give Ralph Satan a Run For His Money.”