Should you hook up with them this Valentine’s Day? Based on what mask they wear

by Olivia McCormack

Disclaimer: Please practice CDC guidelines. You’ll be able to hookup with all the terrible people you want when this is over. It’s incredibly important to protect yourself and your community by social distancing, staying home, and wearing a mask. 

neck gaiter: no, ew

I thought we were done having sex with Republicans, why are you even considering this? The neck gaiter is the face version of a MAGA hat. This protects you from covid in the same way the AU Eagle Summit training protects you from being transported.But it’s not all bad, because of the shocking lack of coverage you can make out the distinct shape of the bottom third of their face.

Homemade mask: Yes

I am in full support of you hooking up with crafty, queer women who still have Pinterest boards so go for it. This requires a certain amount of skill that I assume you are either born with or develop after years of sewing your jeans to a cuff. She will ask you to quarantine and get tested before you hookup and all of your friends will develop a crush on her.

Surgical mask: ya?

Look, it’s technically a mask. It’s fine. It’s the Lifestyle condom of masks, which is the brand of condom that they will use. And yes, it will be from when they lived in McDowell. This mask, like a Lifestyle condom, is not going to make you feel very protected, but I think it probably works? Right? So many people wouldn’t wear this if it didn’t work. I always feel like I can breathe TOO well in these though, so I’m not really sure. This will be a C-tier hookup experience, but hey it’s something.

Nose out of mask: no

If you hook up with this person I hope you enjoy the pullout method. You’re having sex with the Rick Santorum of birth control methods in person form. 

Double mask: yes!

Ooh, his dick is big. There’s literally nothing sexier than not being given COVID-19. It’s hotter than a professor making your zoom class camera optional. You may have to dissuade them from using two condoms, just because they’ve recently gotten into double protection. But honestly, the comfort that the person you’re next to is listening to science is too good of an opportunity to give up.

No Mask: no, don’t ask me this

You will get pregnant and a very treatable STD because they believe 1. If you pee after sex you can’t get pregnant and 2. If you get tested for STDs you’re more likely to have them. Neither of these things are true. WONKs aren’t great at science, as the new Hall of Science hasn’t been used yet, but come on. You know better.

Normal mask: sure

A return to normalcy, the Joe Biden of Facemasks. Go for it. We’re all lonely. Sure they’re not memorable. But it may be really nice to feel human touch. You can pretend the world isn’t burning for a moment until you check Twitter and see that Elon Musk has announced he’s running for office.

Beer/weed mask: no, just don’t

So is he in Pike or Sammy? We’re too old to be sleeping one unmade bed away from a floor where someone named Kevin “The bong destroyer” Smith threw up last week. He lives in a house with 8 people, that’s too big of a bubble. Like there’s nothing wrong with the mask, but there is something wrong with him.