Tired of Left vs Right; Nation Yearns for a More Bipartisan, Less Divisive Twix

By Row Sullivan

Every October, Americans face a difficult choice between two polarizing options. It’s a question that will determine the future -- nay, the survival -- of the country. Will Trick-or-Treaters and candy buyers alike choose to support right or left Twix in the upcoming Halloween season?

According to legend, brothers Earl and Seamus were divided over how to make a Twix Bar. One cascaded caramel, the other drizzled it. One cloaked the bar in chocolate, the other enrobed it. One used a crispy cookie as a base, the other a crunchy one. The two sides, despite representing the same candy, have vowed to continue fighting each other ever since, clawing for the very fabric of Halloween.

“Left Twix is the only moral option,” declared Left Twix representative Chuck Screamer in a pitch to constituents, “Drizzling caramel may not be popular, but Right Twix, what, ‘cascades it’ like animals? At least we have our humanity.”

Right Twix representative and horror movie villain Mitch McConnell also made a case for his side, telling Trick-or-Treaters “The founders clearly intended Twix to be cloaked in chocolate. That’s the way it’s always been and don’t let any free-loading, chocolate-enrobing lefty tell you otherwise.” He added that Right Twix was willing to compromise if Left Twix simply caved in to their every demand.

But with the polls neck and neck, many Trick-or-Treaters simply want the two sides to compromise. “Crispy cookies? Crunchy cookies? The options are both so extreme. Can’t they just play nice and settle for a cookie that’s crumbly?” asked Anne, aged 10.

Among those fighting to end the candy partisanship is homeowner Joe Munchin’, who declared that he “will not be buying right Twix or left Twix this year until the two sides come to an agreement. Specifically, my agreement that neither should prevail. Twix should be moderate. Not drizzled, not cascaded, not cloaked, not enrobed, and definitely not crispy or crunchy. Compromise is a lost art, and we must come together if we are to make the perfect mediocre candy bar. After all, our Trick-Or-Treaters deserve better.”

“I really just want a peanut butter cup,” said one Trick-or-Treater when asked who they’ll support, “But at least Left Twix supports abortion rights.”