It’s Not Me, It’s You (and COVID19): Dating Apps in a Pandemic
by Bennett J. Nuss
Dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have become ever more popular on college campuses over the years, becoming the source of either unending rejections or barrages of unsolicited dick pics for a large swath of the student populace.
However, since we’re not allowed to socialize because of a “plague”, usage of these dating apps for college students have gone down 69% (nice). Because they can’t meet up for a single night of wild, passionate, romance; proud American University students seem to be avoiding these apps like TDR avoids proper nutrition. I guess the reasoning is that 45 seconds of close proximity-panting isn’t the best idea if you’re trying to stop the spread of an airborne virus.
The Rival reached out to Tinder’s Head of Unsolicited Outreach, Alex Chaste, asking what the company was planning on doing regarding the decline of its usage because of the pandemic. After spending a considerable amount of time translating panicked rambling into readable English, our reporters deduced the following:
“Tinder is a company that is first and foremost built to help young people and recent divorcés find new connections and foster new relationships. If that must be done through a Zoom Call and without regrettable sexual interactions and ghosting after a single message, so be it.”
Many AU students still living in the D.C. area are similarly going through a significant struggle due to an inability to find people to swipe on. A student seriously freaking out about the situation is my reliable asshole fraternity contact, Zach Chaddington. Zach, who sat on my floor looking as though he was experiencing withdrawals confided:
“I feel like my social life has really taken a toll. Frankly, I only use Tinder to meet up for coffee dates and stuff like that. It’s where I’m most comfortable and vulnerable. After all, it’s really hard for me to creepily invite girls to frat parties without their friends unless I’m in my element.”
On the other hand, the few students that have continued to use these apps have said that they’re pleased to have the opportunity to screen out matches by actually talking with them before seeing each other.
One student experiencing this change was Sarah Masterson, who says that this pandemic has changed her whole outlook on dating. In between Zoom server crashes, she was able to tell me:
“Yeah, it’s kind of weird having guys talk to me before we meet up. Before the pandemic it was really hard to tell which guys were actually interested in the things I bring up, and who is just saying it to get me to come over. I’d usually figure it out when I’d Uber over, walk in the door, and find guys... oh I don’t know... listening to podcasts about how white nationalism was tragically misunderstood, or, hurriedly putting away their massive posters of naked women on cars. They just can’t do that anymore and I think it’s a step in the right direction.”
It is an open question as to whether this newly found use of dating apps will continue to stay the same following the end of quarantine in 2034. We will update this story as needed when that time comes.
Until next time, I’m going to go cry in the corner of my dark, lonely, but perfectly socially distanced apartment.