Sylvia Buwell’s Public Love Affair with Stainless Steel Hunk
by Kayleigh Thompson and Olivia McCormack
Is it a 24-inch Maytag Front Control? A Frigidaire Tall Tub? No one has yet to learn the ins and outs of the mysterious kitchen installation that saved Sylvia Burwell’s life during the holiday season and seemingly gained her undying affection.
In a riveting email to the AU community on January 28th, President Burwell provided an enlightening insight as to what American University students should really be focusing on as we enter the Spring 2020 Semester: the stress of family gatherings, DC’s extensive history of slightly subpar museum exhibits, and most of all, finding love in the little things. Specifically, the heavy cycle button on the front of a built-in, stainless steel dishwasher. It’s crucial for getting all those hard to reach places.
Stating in the surprisingly personal email, “I’ll be the first to tell you that dishwashers are now at the top of my list of things to be thankful for,” it seems that things are getting steamy at the President’s house this Valentine’s (and Seasonal Affective Disorder) season.
The student outcry after the scandalous Fanta Aw mental health email seems but a small memory after this shocking revelation regarding the esteemed President’s soapy and saucy love life. Was the news of this mysterious dishwasher a means of distraction? Maybe. But one thing’s for sure, wonks can’t get enough of Sylvia and her newest love interest.
According to official Rival sources, the pair were last spotted through the windows of the President’s estate, wrapping up what looked to be a delicious spaghetti dinner. Burwell was seen getting dirty and loading marinara smeared plates along with stained wine glasses by the arm full into the glistening dish racks before gently placing a Cascade Dishwasher ActionPac into the small detergent tray. The tray had clearly been filled by countless brands of soap pods from their previous escapades. Burwell’s husband was missing from the romantic picture, and has not been able to be reached for comment. We cannot confirm if this is a throuple arrangement or if they have some sort of agreement concerning their appliances.
The love between them was undeniable as she wiped her hands clean before gently securing the door latch and pressing the start button, so as to not smudge the beautiful stainless steel finish that separates this washer from the rest of the Burwell kitchen appliances. As she waited perched on the counter while the machine rumbled on, she glanced lovingly at the shaking machine below her. The temperature was definitely set to high as the room started to get very hot -- to properly sanitize the plates, of course. This new hero got to work showing off its prowess in cleaning ceramic tableware, which came out fresh and sparingly moist, proof of a job well done.
Who’s to say how this thrilling romance will unravel throughout the rest of the semester. Will Burwell’s stunning new dishwasher threaten the unparalleled status of Wonk Cat? Will we be hearing presidential wedding bells this spring? All eyes will be on this year's Founder’s Ball to see whether or not the President makes an appearance with her 24” x 24” x 35” beau. The Rival American will be keeping a close eye on all the developments of this most riveting drama of the year.