Depressed Dispatch from the Nest: Clawed Z. Eagle talks isolation, mental health and his feelings about Italian-Americans named Tony Fauci

By: Talia Marshall

The Rival American’s Talia Marshall secured a heart-to-heart with everyone’s campus icon, Clawed Z. Eagle. Clawed has been living alone on campus since March when all of the students left. He spends most of his time in Bender Arena, reminiscing about the good times: “It’s not too different; no one was ever really in Bender before.” Sometimes he sings the fight song to himself, but he can’t really remember the lyrics without Fanta Aw and her tambourine. Below is a transcript of our interview on Zoom, which may or may not be his middle name.

Clawed Z. Eagle: [blurry, pixelated, feathers unshaven] I don’t know how this is going to work, I’m on one of the computers in the lib but I don’t know whether it has a camera, can you see me?

Talia Marshall: I can see you, Clawed.

Clawed: Okay sweet, Eagle service and AU Wifi have been working really great since March— I think they updated it or something

TM: Clawed, I think that might be because all of the students are gone.

Clawed: Right. [Pause] Right. I try to block that out.

TM: Clawed, how are you, really?

Clawed: I hate that question. But I’ll answer it, I guess. Not great! Bad! Really bad. Sometimes I don’t get out of bed, but then I remember I’m living every AU freshman’s dream, you know, waking up sometimes in Letts, sometimes in Anderson, always with a new rat. I keep meaning to reach out to the Counseling Center for help but I only ever think to do it when they’re closed, and I have to call during business hours. They keep saying I should go to group therapy. It doesn’t make sense! I’m also scared that something will come up and I’ll get an appointment, but not be able to go, and they’ll send another email out. I hated the last one; it really stressed all my eagles out.

TM: Yeah, mental health is tough to manage these days. Do you have any tips for students?

Clawed: Well, you know, it’s really hard. I try to distract myself, and it’s helpful to reach out to friends since they’re probably feeling the same. Once a month I have a Zoom call with all the other mascots who are Eagles, it’s pretty awesome, but I do get tired of Zoom. I try to go outside every day, it’s really nice out now, and the construction is finally done on campus, so it’s peaceful, I guess.

TM: How is eating on campus? Have you been getting enough to eat?

Clawed: I don’t really know what to eat now that Pom and Honey is closed. I never really went to TDR, but I loved Pom and Honey. And let me tell you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Einstein’s to mess up my order right about now. Sometimes I cook for myself, but I’m scared of setting off the fire alarm when I burn things.

TM: Did you have a bad experience?

Clawed: When everyone was making banana bread at the beginning of quarantine, I figured I would try too. I had all these bananas that I stole from TDR in February, and they were all going bad and I had to return my rented fridge so I had to do something, you know? Let’s just say it was really lonely waiting out in the cold during a fire alarm by myself. The library wasn’t open so I couldn’t even go to the vending machine.

TM: I’ve still been seeing banana bread all over TikTok. Do you have a TikTok we can follow?

Clawed: I do, and I don’t actually post any videos, but if you stop by the Kogod bus stop that’s where I practice dances. Sylvia said she might let me put one in her announcement about the spring semester, so I’m hoping to have WAP ready by then. I told her it stands for Wonk and Proud.

TM: Well, now I can say I’m looking forward to that announcement even more. Have you gotten into any shows during the pandemic?

Clawed: I watched part of Tiger King, but it kind of hit too close to home, you know? I watched all of Gilmore Girls, three times. I think I’m definitely a Lorelai. I started watching… you know, the wizard school in England. Well, now I’m not watching those anymore!

Clawed holds up his backpack with an “AU TRANS PRIDE” pin on it.

TM: Did you try anything else new in quarantine?

Clawed: I mean after the whole banana bread thing, I was kind of scared to join the sourdough trend. So mostly I just went around campus with my six-foot long ruler to see how safe campus will be for social distancing if students ever come back. I’m still not really sure, but when I called Tony Fauci on the number he gave me the other week someone just yelled at me in Italian, so I think it might be the wrong number.

TM: Do you remember what they said?

Clawed: It sounded like a woman yelling at a man, she said “Tony, che cazzo hai fatto! Questa aquila ha il nostro numero di telefono!”

[According to the Rival’s resident Italian expert, this translates roughly to “Tony, what the f--- did you do? This eagle has our phone number!”]

Clawed: All I said was “hey it’s Clawed and I have a question for my fellow wonky eagle Tony Fauci.” Now I’m scared of Italian-Americans.

TM: Wow, he must be a busy guy, doing all that public health stuff on top of being an Italian-American. Speaking of which, the $60,000 dollar question, give or take a few thousand—any idea about the university’s plans for the spring?

Clawed: I don’t know. I feel like Sylvia told me something, but I have what she calls a “bird brain.” I don’t really remember much these days except for once an eagle, always an eagle. I repeat that a lot but the wonk cat doesn’t seem to get it. I miss the students. Yesterday I went to the Dav and the Bridge just to feel something.

TM: Did it work?

Clawed: I don’t think so, but I was jittery all day. I got to walk around campus and saw some students though! I really miss seeing all my Eagles, but you know, I never really know how to act around them.

TM: Yeah, I will admit you make me feel a bit uneasy sometimes.

Clawed: Yeah, I get that a lot.

After this, Clawed turned off his mic and camera. I kept trying to ask him questions, but he seemed done, and I finally understood how my professors feel at the end of a block class. I turned off my mic and camera too, and the Zoom session is still running two days later. I think it would be awkward for either of us to leave at this point. We’re hoping he agrees to do an advice column for us soon, so stay tuned. In the meantime, Clawed and I will be on Zoom.