D.C. Fall is Fake: The Woes of a New Englander

by Maggie Mahoney 

Well, Starbucks has added the coveted Pumpkin Spice Latte to its menu and white girls across the country have begun burning their culty Bath and Body Works apple cider candles. I guess it’s safe to say that fall is upon us. At least, that’s what you non-northerners would like us to think. Yes, I’m talking to you, dude who’s been walking around the quad in a maroon SWEATER since September. 

Now, not to be that girl, but absolutely to be that girl, I’m gonna come right out and tell you that this type of fall is fake! I mean for god’s sake, it’s not even Halloween yet and the California girls are already breaking out their fleeces and beanies. If you’re wearing a jacket and it’s not at least November, you’re doing something wrong! You know what warms the body and soul? A Patriots Jersey. Nothing gets the blood pumping like a winning streak and a sexy quarterback. That’s coming from someone who grew up in New England, so you know my opinion is legit. Definitely completely unrelated to the fact that we are legally obligated to say something nice about Tom Brady once a year.

Some of these southern and west coast kids get way too hype about whether that’s even slightly cool. We get it, you’ve never seen snow, but have some goddamn self-respect and wait for the leaves to turn like the rest of us. 

Back in Connecticut, I wore Converse when it was snowing and would walk to school and back! I didn’t even take out a proper winter coat until I could see my own breath. Even then my mom had to yell at me before I would begrudgingly slip one on. 

You know what I call mid-60s? Summer! That's shorts and a T-shirt type of climate. So if I catch people complaining: “I’m freezing” and it isn’t 10 degrees or below, I’m gonna laugh so hard I snort maple leaves out of my nose (it’s a New England thing). 

Now, granted, it isn’t all your fault if you’re one of these fake fall celebrators. You just don’t know any better. It was how you were raised. You didn’t have parents who sunbathed in the yard as soon as the temperature dial hit 65 and sunny. You haven’t known the simple pleasure of sipping an iced hazelnut Dunkin coffee on a brisk December morning. We can’t all be so lucky. 

Before you get too discouraged, don’t worry- there’s hope for you yet. But only if you check yourself and adopt the right mentality. Grow a thicker skin (literally) and resist the call of your cardigans until your east coast acquaintances give you the nod … you’ll know it when you see it. When it hits late October, feel free to let your fall freak flag fly. Until then, I’ll be giving your Patagonia the evil eye.