American University Football Team Remains Winless

football team.png

by Zane Goins and Lucas Trevor

WASHINGTON, DC — The American University Eagles had yet another unsuccessful season on the football field. Despite a dedicated fanbase and a newly hired coach, the “Fightin’ Eagles” failed to capture a single victory on the gridiron this year.

“We played well. We didn’t score much, but I do believe we made a substantive contribution to the discourse of modern american political thought,” said junior quarterback Kyle White on the season. The Political Science and Arab World Studies double major immediately added, “Bernie Sanders has a lot of good ideas, but I think it could be too much too soon. We need someone who will incrementally and consistently move our country forward.

The team struggled again this year, and some commentators have blamed Coach Jeff Sampson’s strategy of, “solution based defense.” Defensive lineman and captain William (Chucky) Wilson, explained the tactic, “Coach Sampson sat the defensive players down at the beginning of the season and laid it all out, talking instead of tackling, and kindness replacing the usual killer attitude.”

Wilson, the senior SIS major defended the controversial system, “Coach said ‘if we hit them, what’s to stop them from hitting us?’ We need to sit down and talk, try and understand the other side’s perspective. Why are they like this? What made them act this way? What can we do to prevent this type of thinking from permeating our own world?”

This resulted in the Eagle's getting the fewest sacks, interceptions and tackles in the entire Patriot League. Additionally, American’s opponents gained more total yards than any other team in the NCAA Division I Football Championship Subdivision.

While some people see this as a systemic problem, the result of years of mistrust of elected officials slowly increasing in the American people, as well as the inherent flaws of capitalism and a system of elections decided by the wealthiest people, others see this season as a total anomaly, and nothing to worry about.

As for the incoming class of freshman, Coach Sampson is confident they will make a powerful impact.

“We have guys on both sides of the ball who have already bought into our culture. We already see them posting on Instagram without any long term organizing being done,” said Sampson. “We got a kid on defense, he’s 6’6, 240, and quick as a hiccup. He was sitting there and just said, ‘Beto just does it for me, he’s real, he’s charismatic, and he’s just so darn likable.’ That’s the kind of kids we need here, and that’s what our culture really is.”

Going forward, the Eagles have said that they will continue to utilize the tactic of “solution based defense” when it comes to their controversial tactics on the football field. The team and coaches are determined to see change and know exactly how they will go about affecting this change.

Despite all the odds and basic common sense, they are sure that the upcoming seasons will be different. Hope will remain the hallmark of their upcoming seasons, and a belief in their will to change things for the better-- one misspelled social media post at a time.