American University leans into disgrace and creates new major

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AU is launching a new major program, Analytical Scandal Strategies (ASS) and it’s already #1 in the country for Russian spies and disgraced personal attorneys to the President

by Olivia McCormack

American University knows that Wonks want to make a statement. They deserve to end up in Congress, one way or another. Now, AU students are being groomed to be the next national disgraces rather than becoming so accidentally.

Russian spy Maria Butina rose to prominence last summer. She’s been a pioneer for the program and has helped form much of the curriculum.

“I knew that even if I hate America, I need to help American. Once an eagle, always an eagle,” Maria was quoted saying before she was escorted back to solitary confinement.

Analytical Scandal Strategies (A.S.S., for short) prepares students for the real world of being a national disgrace. Sophomore year students must choose their concentration -- their options range from illicit affairs, insider trading, election rigging, espionage, bribery, and tax evasion.

The American University knows that students need an education that goes beyond the classroom to apply their theories in practice. Many of the classes involve labs that allow students to meet infamous AU alum!

They will, however, need to receive a government security clearance prior to visiting them in their high security (and high profile) places of residence. These field trips include locations such as Alexandria detention center to visit SIS wonk Maria Butina, and the future swanky federal residence of Michael Cohen. He’s currently recovering from his castration (spine removal?) surgery and is being deferred from entering the facility for 60 days .

When asked for comment before entering his testimony on the crisp morning of February 27th, Cohen gave a glowing review of the major.

“This program has been years in the making! AU already taught me how to bend to the will of those in power over me, and this program will just solidify that for generations to come,” he said. “If I had the opportunity to go through this program, I would’ve been charged during the Bush administration.”

In a refreshing wave of bipartisanship, the program has fellowships with only the most reputable figures on both sides of the aisle. Roger Stone has donated the Richard Nixon tattoo (which currently resides on his back) along with a large portion of his Watergate memorabilia and Bill Clinton is generously allowing AU alum an inside look at his calendars from 1995-1997.

Many students are choosing to double major in journalism and A.S.S. so that they can cover their own downward spiral.

All students are encouraged to apply, but especially those juuling in MGC. Because you’re already a disgrace to your parents, why not aim for the sky and learn to disappoint people who don’t even know you.

To quote one AU student: “I’m just a messy bitch from New Jersey who loves drama, and now I can make a career out of it!”