BREAKING: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the least controversial actor

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by Olivia McCormack and Erika Papp

Here at The Rival American, we try our best not to get political, but this topic is too important to overlook.  

The Rock is someone that I am simply not mad about.  I have no feelings (in general, but specifically about Mr. The Rock). He seems to be in every movie, but somehow none of them at the same time. Can you think of a single thing he’s done wrong? Or right?

Dwayne (we’re on a first name basis now) will never have a seat at the Oscars, but he’ll always be the 5th most followed person on Instagram.  

Why is he famous? I don’t know, but also, I don’t care.  The only movie I can tell you in 100% confidence that he has been in is that one where his long lost daughter likes ballet and has a peanut allergy.  And while that was arguably the cinematic masterpiece of the century, I can’t recall him being in any other movies of the same magnitude.

I have never heard him speak outside of a movie role, nor have I ever sought out seeing him in a movie. It just happens.

I am haunted by fever dreams of him popping his boob muscles.

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I don’t like it, but I don’t NOT like it either….

He’s the second half of the latte you forgot to drink.  It doesn’t taste good anymore but it’s not quite cold and gross yet.  I don’t really want to drink it but you’re sorely mistaken if you think I won’t be chugging it.  I mean I need the caffeine and it was $4 at the Dav, that’s expensive! I won’t love it, but there’s nothing to complain about.

He’s in every movie that you’re pretty sure you saw, but you cannot figure out what it’s called.

To quote an inside source, my charming mother, via Facetime: “The Rock? I dunno, he’s fine.”



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