The 51 Wonkiest Things to do Instead of Sex with your Partner

by Jack Purcell

During Sex Week here at The Rival, there’s much talk about sex (that’s why they call it Sex Week). However, what if you don’t want to spend your Sex Week dancing the horizontal mambo? Where’s the content for those couples who want to spend Valentine’s Day doing something besides playing Indiana Jones in each other’s Temple of Doom? For the faithful readers of The Rival searching for fun beyond running the metaphorical bases and helping themselves to a meat lover’s supreme pizza with extra sauce, I present the 51 wonkiest things to do instead of sex with your partner:

  1. Ride the metro to your hillternships together.

  2. Make a funny and relatable meme telling your friends to register to vote.

  3. Cast a bronze statue of the wonk cat.

  4. Stand outside the gates of Georgetown and think about what could have been.

  5. Make adorable, instagram-worthy signs based on the common theme that Donald Trump is not a good president.

  6. Go to an American university sporting event! (yeah, right).

  7. Go to a museum and be a tourist in your own city!

  8. Google cute pictures of your local senator.

  9. Get matching Canada Goose jackets.

  10. Offer each other’s blood to sustain Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s life force.

  11. Shop for feminist stickers on Redbubble together.

  12. Wear each other’s navy blue American University sweatshirts.

  13. Ride the wonk bus in circles around Tenleytown just to pass the time.

  14. Make your own tier list of the most politically active frats on campus.

  15. Take photos of one another at protests.

  16. Sit and think about how lovely our lives would be if Donald Trump hadn’t stolen the election from President Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  17. Read each other your favorite CNN headlines of the day.

  18. Lay prostrate in front of Sylvia Burwell’s house and acknowledge your gratitude that she would lower herself to walk among us.

  19. Plan a Congress-themed party to show the world that you’re politically-minded.

  20. Go to Politics & Prose and shop for your political icon’s biography.

  21. Live tweet a presidential debate to your tens of followers.

  22. Take them to your high school and show them how far debate club has fallen since you stopped being president.

  23. Laugh at the silly names that late night hosts call Donald Trump.

  24. Smuggle candles into TDR for a romantic dinner.

  25. Get matching tattoos of President Barack Obama.

  26. Play a drinking game during a presidential debate.

  27. Write an op-ed for The Eagle about why you love AU.

  28. Take a romantic walk to your local Wawa.

  29. Work together to create a plan to fix the problems in the Middle East.

  30. Thank an AUPD officer for their service to this country.

  31. Discuss which states are your favorite and why they’re New Jersey.

  32. Take Snapchats of yourselves giving the finger to the White House, effectively ending Trump’s presidency on the spot.

  33. Work together to create the perfect tweet about communism on your MacBook Air.

  34. Encourage them to leave you because they have AirPods and you don’t.

  35. Flood the AU Sustainability Holes and go swimming.

  36. Call 2Fix and ask if they can repair a broken heart.

  37. Exchange what you learned about being president from House of Cards and The West Wing.

  38. Go night monumenting for the fourth time this week.

  39. Start planning a “wonky” couples Halloween costume.

  40. Step out of your shell by going to an 18+ club in the DuPont Circle area.

  41. Start stan accounts for your favorite 2020 presidential candidates.

  42. Help each other formulate the perfect tweet about a political scandal in a state you don’t live in so you can rake in a sweet three likes.

  43. Practice your Nancy Pelosi claps in case you feel the need to “dog walk” President Trump.

  44. Get in a fist fight over whom you support for AUSG Senator.

  45. Build a house for the wonk cat so it’s immaculate fur need never suffer the cold again.

  46. Take a stroll through the hip financial district (East Campus).

  47. Take a picture together in front of one of the three structures in D.C. that anyone recognizes and caption it “we love our city”.

  48. Plan each other’s presidential campaigns for 2036.

  49. Abduct a bald eagle from nature, name it “Clawed,” and store it in your dorm room to show school spirit.

  50. Proofread each other’s SIS papers.

  51. Read and laugh aloud together at the quality content published by The Rival, one of American University’s top 30 student media organizations.