To The Freshman Gearing Up For Their First Winter

From, A Junior Bracing For Her Third (Eliza Wright)

Hey. I bet you’re so excited. I bet you are absolutely thrilled watching the leaves change into so many different warm colors. I bet you can’t wait to break out all the cute sweaters you’ve been dying to show off and all the accessories you don’t really know how to use yet. I bet you couldn’t be more stoked to go to a pumpkin patch and a corn maze and relish in all of that basic Instagram fall shit.

I’m stoked for you. I envy the childlike innocence in your eyes as you open up your weather app to see the weather dip below 70, then 60, then 50, then 40. But be prepared dearest. Darkness is soon to descend. 

The first few weeks of breaking in your new coat will be great. Scarves! Hats! Gloves! Fuzzy socks! Warm cozy beverages! It’s all so new and exciting. Planning my outfits every morning to have the perfect balance of cute and cozy was my favorite part of the day.

Three weeks passed, and I realized that the cute and cozy balance was gone. Instead, I had to strategically layer as much clothing as physically possible on this horrible weak flesh sack so I didn’t spend the entire day in legitimate pain from the knives of cold air. That’s something no one tells you -- winter hurts! It’s not just a general discomfort made slightly better by bitching; it’s a deep, constant, 5 month long pain.

Let’s talk about layers because they’re supposedly the best part of cold weather and are the key to keeping warm apparently. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but layers are one of the absolute worst parts of the cold. Sure, they can add some flair to an outfit while serving an important function -- until you step inside the actual oven that they keep the inside of every goddamn building.

You have approximately 90 seconds to shed everything before the sweat starts, and the last thing you want to do is have a wet piece of fabric touching your skin when you step back out into the frozen tundra. Then, you have to carry around that shit all day, putting it on and taking it off a million times an hour until you’re ready to fuck it all and just go nude. Preparing to exit the indoors is no longer as simple as grabbing your belongings and heading out. It’s physical, mental, and spiritual torment.

Now, let’s dive into the #1 worst part of the cold seasons: people from New England.

The second you start justifying bitching about all the intense sensations that your body has never felt before, some fuck from Literally Nowhere, Connecticut will inevitable jump in. And they'll tell you dozens of tales about how they were forced to trudge through 60 ft of snow, completely naked, every day to go to school. They’ll wax poetic about the 37-pound shovel they used to carve out their driveway every single day of their miserable existence.

Essentially, your first time ever feeling this cold pales in comparison to a lifetime of suffering they’ve had to endure (like…yeah). You know how New England people are just like…. That Way? This is why. They’ve been suffering since the moment they were born and will not let you forget it. 

But keep in mind, you’ll start to feel deep sympathy for them when it’s 4:00 pm and you’re watching the sun disappears and you’re exhausted and cold and fed up with just about everything. Short days completely fuck with your sense of time, and the inability to spend a significant amount of time outside when the sun is up really does make such a huge impact on your mental health. Just be prepared for that, because seasonal depression is so real and so unavoidable. It sucks, there’s nothing you can really do about it, and it will pass. 

The day you see the first bud on a tree will be the best fucking day of your life. It’s the first sign that the living nightmare of the past 5 months is finally – finally – coming to a close. The sun will start sticking around for longer, being outside will start feeling slightly more comfortable, and before you know if you’re once again sitting on the quad wearing sunglasses and just a single layer of clothing. 

I don’t mean to scare you -- there are of course fun and exciting parts of winter, like your first snow day and experiencing the authentic holiday season. But buckle up.