OPINION: Dissolve American University Student Government and Replace it with a Framed Photo of Jeff Goldblum

Seriously, what more could go wrong?

by Noah Stevens

AUSG has been in the news a lot this semester. They’ve also been the subject of some prodding on social media and more generally, the subject of heated on-campus discussion. It seems as though every student on campus has something to say about AUSG ─ so much so that it covers up other, perhaps more pressing, issues on campus.

A frequent suggestion to put an end to the drama is the complete dissolution of AUSG. Some say this fix is too much, that AUSG and all the organizations that fall under it are too important to the university for us to have them disappear en masse. Others want to go through a lengthier process of impeachment for SG officials, which might lead to AU’s descent into total chaos. No matter the outcome, someone on campus always loses.

If everyone loses, students ought to move in a way that promotes the least fallout ─ the less damage, the better. The solution, then, must be in dissolution.

Of course, the main problem that arises is this: What do we install in the place of AUSG? There must be a neutral party, an unproblematic, silent guardian of truth, transparency, and total order on campus ─ but who, or what, should that be?

My proposal is this: once AUSG is dissolved, the organization should be replaced with a single framed photograph of renowned actor Jeff Goldblum.

There are a variety of ways this could be implemented ─ perhaps the photo is placed in the space that housed the former AUSG’s office, with the door left unlocked for several hours a day so students could drop in and admire the photograph. Alternatively, the picture might be hung on a wall in TDR, where students and visitors alike could have a meal with the photograph. Another way to install the new Goldblum-centric solution is to simply use some of the hundreds of thousands of dollars that AUSG oversees to purchase a nice glass case for the photo to go in. The budget will have plenty of money left over to spend on events that most students aren’t able to attend, so in essence, the status quo remains the same.

Of course, democracy would stay intact on campus. Since Jeff Goldblum is such a prolific actor, there are plenty of photos to choose from. Be it his classic portrayal of Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park or his more contemporary role as Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok, there would be a variety of photos to choose from, and as always, each and every vote would count. Let’s not even get started on the limitless frame options!

Realistically, the photo would be as responsive to criticism and student concerns as AUSG already is. However, since the photo would exude raw sexual charisma, no one would be angry enough to vote it out of office. Photos of Jeff Goldblum inspire a profound sense of contentment in nearly everyone, so they are the perfect candidate to amend the divisiveness of AUSG’s position on campus.

Like many other students, I find the recent actions of AUSG deeply disturbing. Their impact remains to be seen, though it is certain that students’ trust in the institution of government on campus has been shaken to its core. However, as always, we must persevere. In the words of a certain great man:

Life, uh… finds a way.

Representatives for Mr. Goldblum did not respond to The Rival’s continuous interview requests.

[Originally published on October 25, 2018.]