American University For Dummies pt. 2

“Once an Eagle, always an Eagle.”  

Welcome to the American University, or welcome back! A new year brings new faces, new experiences, and all the usual campus shenanigans back into the spotlight. Whether you’re a student coming to AU for the first time, a blissfully unaware parent, or just want to read another crash course into what our campus is and what we are… on behalf of AU, allow us to extend a formal apology. You’ll understand soon enough.

If we could sum up American University in a single sentence, it would be this: We are all so fucking weird. From the fact that politics seemingly seeps into every facet of our campus life, to the campus characters and stereotypes that you see all too often, there’s a lot of quirks that come with being an Eagle. Well, now you’re one of us, for better or worse. 

Welcome to the Bubble 

AU is small. Small. Small. Small. With 8,000 or so undergraduate students, you are bound to see the same faces again and again… and again. In other words, be careful about getting too messy. 

Despite not being as large as other universities, we still have students of all walks of life with fun or quirky interests. I mean, hey, we even have a growing furry population (three). It might take time, and it might take a bit more effort, but communities of people who think like you, laugh like you, and see you? You will find them here. Hopefully.

Psst, the only thing we’re not short on? Students from New Jersey, Philly, Cali, and gingers. Seriously, they’re everywhere.

Don’t be fooled by the AU Admissions brochures. AU is a PWI: a Pretty Predominately White Institution through and through. If you’re a student of color, first-gen, or literally just not white, that might hit you harder than expected. It’s something the brochures don’t really prepare you for. But here’s the truth: your experiences and perspective are what make this place better. We need voices like yours in classrooms, clubs, and conversations more than ever. Finding your people might take time, but when you do, you’ll see how much your experiences, perspective, and stories shift the culture of this bubble for the better. You’ll realize just how much stronger AU feels with you in it.

Still, AU falls short in some areas of representation, it more than lives up to its reputation in others. There’s a reason that this place is known as GayU. The queer community is everything here, complete with queer hookups, queer situationships, queer friend group drama, and queer toxic relationships. If you’re a bi woman though, be careful who you choose to date. For example, avoid the following at all cost: 

The Hilltern. The Devil’s Advocate. The “Protester”. The Wonk.

AU seems to attract a weird spectrum of either the most passionate, performative, ambitious, pretentious, and dramatic people on the Eastern seaboard. Fortunately, there’s already a word to describe the people you will encounter throughout your time at AU – the Wonk:

American University (Definition from AU’s Marketing Department): Wonk
noun — Passionate, engaged, and dedicated to making a positive impact on the world through their expertise.

Merriam-Webster: Wonk
noun — A person preoccupied with arcane details or procedures in a specialized field. Broadly: Nerd (Ouch, that one kinda hurt)

Wonk is not a superficial term. From the Wonkbus shuttle to the students themselves, you’ll be surrounded by wonks the second you step on campus. They’ll be the devil advocate in your 8am classes, the guy on the quad trying to buy your AUSG vote with free food (trust us, not worth it), the congressional Hilltern who thinks they are the shit because they work for a congressman no one knows. AU students are frequently aspiring politicians who can be extremely performative and pretentious. Case in point: seemingly the entire male population of Class of 2029 hosted a performative male contest and literally any of them could have won. You guys will all fit in perfectly! 

And don’t get us started with some of the virtue signalers or students who show up for a photo-op, while not necessarily caring or really diving deep into the cause. They’ll post a picture, repost a graphic, and then head back to friend groups that look exactly like them. At AU, “activism” can be less about being changemakers and more about clout.

Speaking about clout, some will swear by the American University Student Government, known as AUSG, but that place is a cesspool of drama and college students with initiative to do nothing but spend money on random crap. AUSG does not improve your leadership skills, but it does increase your amount of ops on campus. Join literally any other club. 

AU Housing

What can we say that's good about AU housing? Your freshman dorm situation will probably fucking suck, rats will be your third roomate and there will be too many fire alarms when you're trying to go to sleep, always before your 8am class. Unless you’re willing to fork up extra money for the nicer halls such as Centennial, Cassell, or East Campus, you’re pretty cooked. The experience doesn’t improve much in our nearby off-campus options, the Avalon or the Berkshire. According to our resident ex-RA, it will never get better.

For our freshman readers, please heed our warning: do not commit floorcest. You will have to see these people everyday, and it NEVER goes well. And never become an RA unless you want to be exploited. This has been learned the hard way.  

TDR

If you’re going to eat at TDR, you have two choices: become vegetarian or get food poisoning. If you’re really unlucky, both will happen. Be prepared to see your failed situationship, awkward hookup or the literal worst person you know (they were cancelled last week) wherever you come in. If you trudge in at 8am, you could hear the worst dubstep remix ever made or the gummy bear song playing on repeat. Or, for no apparent reason, the literal national anthem, because… well, it is called the American University. 

However, not all is terrible; the cookies and breakfast can hit. Additionally, talking with the TDR staff can be the best part of the TDR experience. We love them and you should get to know them. Shoutout to the lady that always wishes you a happy [insert day here]! 

Quick Intro to The Schools

SPA: The only place devil’s advocacy counts as a personality trait.

Kogod: Andrew Tate circle-jerkers walking around in suits since orientation.

SIS: Majoring in international drama, minoring in passive aggression.

CAS: The Island of Misfit Majors - housing the gays, the poets, and the ones AU forgot.

SOE: So few really know what goes on at Spring Valley…

SOC: Dying to be part of a failing industry!

The Real Extracurriculars

Don’t listen to the majority of campus: Guapos is not “the spot,” it’s Cactus Cantina. We will die on this hill. Also, if you eat at District Taco instead of Bandit, we know you love gentrification. Seek help. 

Go to Papa’s for any “supplies” for a night you’ll regret. Thank us later when your fake isn’t stolen, and for when your picture makes you famous amongst the other freshmen.

Dorm parties are hit or miss. Frat parties are always a miss, unless your goal is to make bad decisions you will regret. 

You will probably think Ultrabar, Decades or Heist is the move. They are not. Just go to Breadsoda and go to ticketed parties at the 9:30 club. You will save yourself a lot of awful nights in Dupont or having to get your stomach pumped. 

Do not date on this campus unless you hate yourself or you want to have shitty sex with a frat bro. That “perfect” Georgetown guy you found on Hinge will show his true colors after you go on one date and don’t know anything else about him except that he’s a Hoya. We all want a rich Georgetown boy, but there’s a reason so few have one.

Oh, and by the way, we have you covered on the best and worst places to have your feathers plucked.

Random Canon Events

Despite the bullying from upperclassmen, there are many canon events that you’ll experience that they have probably experienced, too. Some of these are innocent, like wearing your free lanyard all freshman year long or locking yourself out of your room in the middle of the night. 

Another canon event is the first time you use the metro by yourself. Lots of AU students aren’t from a major city, so using public transit can feel exhilarating and scary at the same time… it’s not. The worst thing that’ll happen is you end up in Virginia or accidentally going the wrong way on the Red Line. Seriously though, not utilizing your UPass is a waste of your money and something you will regret. Just promise us you won’t stay within AU’s zip code all year.

Make sure you buy a picnic blanket so you can experience your first abnormally warm February day along with all 8,000 other undergrads on the quad. Stock up on some Vitamin C and cold medicine for the freshman flu. Trust us, something about the dorm air will make you feel like you are absolutely dying from COVID-19 premium deluxe.

We recommend skipping some canon events, like the overdramatic freshman friend group that breaks up by January or overdosing on Celsius in your floor lounge. We reiterate to absolutely not, under any circumstances, commit floorcest. But then again, we can’t really tell you what to do. 

If You Are Crazy to Stay Here for Four Years…

You’ll grow tired of the same faces or hookups, the same broken promises from our university’s administration, or even watch people you thought would be in your life disappear without a word (over 75% of freshman friend groups break up according to a recent Rival Instagram survey). Our transfer rate isn’t doing too hot either; at least 2 of those “friends” in your group will end up transferring by the end of the year (or even just drop out). 

Yet, even with all the bullshit we just laid out for you, people still surprisingly stay. We complain, we protest, and sometimes we do actually consider submitting that transfer application. However, at the end of the day, we all love this place more than we admit. The beauty of our campus, the professors that support you in your academic journey and the friendships and relationships that actually do last make it worth it. 

And the truth is, the moments that stick aren’t always the big, ugly ones. Some of your best memories will come from the little things—like 2am fire alarms that turn into impromptu hangouts with your floormates, the bold dorm parties you throw that your RA almost catches you for, or throwing snowballs at random dorm windows with your friends on a winter night in February.

This place has a way of frustrating you and shaping you at the same time. Somewhere between the food poisoning, seeing the leaves change color, and the late-night Metro rides back on Shady Grove, you’ll realize you’ve grown into someone you didn’t quite expect. It won’t always be perfect, but the best parts will stay with you long after you leave. Now that we think about it, maybe it was a good thing that Georgetown rejected you.

Make the most of the city and campus around you. These four years will fly by fast.