The Debate of the Century for the Election of the Century (well, not really)
By Nora Lewis and Greta Redleaf (aka The Wonk Press)
Nora: The air was thick with the smell of popcorn, unchecked ego, and male dominance. I have to pee.
Greta: I should not have worn leather. I have to pee as well.
Nora: It’s been 22 minutes and nothing has happened.
Greta: I do not want to be here anymore.
*2 minutes later*
Nora: The moderators have just told us we have to react orderly. What if I want to scream?
Greta: I want to scream.
*The debate begins. Chandler Eby has the first opening statement*
*He appears on screen (he is in Japan) (side quest moment) in a muscle tee and aviator sunglasses*
*The Rival Writers are thrilled with the amount of content we are getting*
Nora: CHANDLER EBY HAS GONE OVER TIME AND THEY MUTED HIM
Greta: This is the best day of my life
*Chandler Eby begins vlogging*
Non-Funny Candidate 1: TDR’s food kinda sucks!
Non-Funny Candidate 2: My scooter was stolen!
really trying to seem like the Average AU Student™
*various boring questions are asked. The moderators look in pain*
The word ‘circlejerk’ is said.
1984 is mentioned.
Non-Funny Candidate 2: we need a politician, but not a politician. you know?
STUDENT QUESTIONS TIME!!!!!
[the first question has been redacted in fear of an AUSG lawsuit, sorry!]
*various boring questions are asked. The moderators look pained*
Greta asks the most thoughtful, amazing, and thoughtful question. I do not remember what it was. (I asked how they would restore their image because we will not stop making fun of them - Greta)
AUSG person (hint: it’s someone high ranking), in an attempt to drag out this godforsaken debate: So the [redacted] was allowed to ask a question, but the students were not?
The moderators both look like there is a war going on in their heads. Godspeed soldiers.
Greta is playing 2048 at this time, she unfortunately only gets to a 64 tile.
(i promise i’m better than this - greta)
FINAL STATEMENTS
Non-Funny Candidate 1: “Words are just words” (this is a direct quote i swear)
After the debate, we decided to ask the moderators some questions. They look exhausted. However, their hair looks great. Jacob Clark, a sophomore Journalism student who has the voice of a sports announcer, said it took a lot of patience to run the debate but he thinks it is the best way for people to speak their minds. He was very grateful that they were able to control the heckling but that he was prepared for it. After all, it is AU. When asked about his hair, Clark explained that Magic Gel and a little bit of hairspray help create his signature quaff.
Moderating beside Clark was Alex Moskovitz, a sophomore Political Science major with a suave sense of style. He was proud of the outcome of the debate and hopes that student-run debates are something that the campus can continue to look forward to. Moskovitz said he expected some heckling because of how involved the students are but overall thinks everyone maintained a good level of respect. As for his perfectly styled hair, he thanked his cousin who is a hairdresser and sent him products to try.
We are grateful that these moderators took us seriously and respected our press passes.
UPDATE:
It is Friday, April 7th, 8:33pm. I have just been informed that the election has been certified (this is a relief for anyone who remembers last year's debacle). The results will be released at 9pm tonight.
Congratulations to … (it’s 8:56pm) … (it’s now 9pm) … Edwin Santos! He is very excited to advocate for the students.
Chandler Eby is proud of his accomplishments. He united 40% of the student body around the idea of abolishing AUSG (Note: Well, 40% of the approximately 17% students who bothered voting. Turnout was pretty fuckin low.) Eby is proud he was able to shitpost on such a large platform and says the students who want change will not be ignored. Eby also says that he loves the Rival American and that we are the best <3
Noah Gocial could not be reached for a statement (his Instagram DMs are not the most reliable communication source).