By Conan Maron

So it’s really come to this. The AUSG election was decertified because a bunch of 18-22 year olds decided they wanted this year's AUSG elections to have more drama than the 2020 presidential election.You’re literally running the equivalent of a government in Sims 4, go touch grass. I’m frankly seeing nothing productive with the current platforms of either candidate. Because of this, I’ve determined I have no choice but to become the messiah of AU and throw my hat in the ring and run for AUSG president to bring real change to campus. Here are some brilliant suggestions I’ve decided to incorporate into my platform.

AU FOOTBALL TEAM “The Wonk Rats”

Yes, I know the senate has already proposed this question, but I will work toward the creation of an AU Football team (in the SEC) with all of Kogod’s funding!! The Wonk Rats will promptly be taking on Alabama in their inaugural season opener this fall.

2. NEW ELECTION MEASURES

Democracy be damned, the people want a more interesting way of elections. This is why all future AUSG presidential elections will be determined by a boxing match in Bender Arena with the entire school watching.

3. PRIVATIZE THE STUDENT HEALTH CENTER

Let’s cut these wait times at the health center and PRIVATIZE!! Capitalism is the only solution to the problems here at AU, just ask a Kogod major.

4. EAGLE FOR EVERY STUDENT

This is AMERICAN UNIVERSITY!!! We need to take pride in our AMERICAN roots and embrace the glorious tradition of red, white, and blue. Every student will receive an eagle in an effort to revive our nonexistent student pride in the school. Don’t ask me if these freshmen will understand how to take care of such a magnificent animal as these Eagles will be self-sufficient in the dorms, feeding off all the mice that wander through Letts.

5. AU WILL BE A WET CAMPUS

Allow Alcohol to be served on AU’s campus and turn a section of TDR into a bar. The TDR bar WILL take meal swipes!! Stop by to see if the margaritas or the chicken makes you throw up first.

6. DEFUND AUSG

So it turns out that AUSG get’s like $400,000 a semester to spend on House of Cards student simulator. We are also directly paying for AUSG with the 75$ “activity fee” charged to us per semester. Why are we spending so much money so 18-22 year olds can have the biggest ego boost of their life? I have no idea. This is why we will be reinvesting these funds into two parts.

a) Building a massive hot tub in the middle of the quad. Feeling cold in the winter? Grab your finest mojito from the TDR bar and dive right in!!

b) Another pay raise for Sylvia Burwell because God bless the REAL president of the student body. (I am not being held hostage right now and forced to type this by administration)

The AUSG Platform to End All Platforms