Attention: The Aces Have Taken Over While You Weren’t Looking
by Row Sullivan
Greetings Mortal,
Love is in the air this week. We should know, we designed this clever ruse of a holiday to distract you while we execute our hostile takeover with all the alleged extra time we have not doing… other things. While you were falling for the roses, and the elaborately designed romantic dates, and the chocolates (ok, we fell for the chocolates too), we- The Council of the Asexuals and Aromantics- have made a few changes around here. Your obedience is mandatory. Thank you for your cooperation.
All songs that reference “cake” must now be referring only to literal cake. We actually were hoping to eat cake by the ocean; we love dessert potlucks. Learning this was not the intention caused severe duress amongst The Council and we now must mandate that all figurative use of the word “cake” cease at once.
Platonic cuddling is hereby normalized and highly encouraged. Look, most of us don’t really do the whole hook-ups or relationship thing, but we need a hug too. Love us (platonically).
Friends with benefits now just means we do a weekly brunch. We feel like everyone should be on board with this one. Let’s all be friends with benefits, mimosas on us.
The “Friendzone'' will now be an actual place. Yes, it will be rocking, and yes, we’re pulling out all the stops: snacks, board games, maybe a foosball table, and a bounce house for good measure. We hope you join us.
We will no longer be giving out tax benefits for marriage. We felt like it’d be wrong to outright ban it (we aim to be benevolent dictators), but we feel marriage is an outdated social norm that has perpetuated the whole idea of needing to find “the one,” so we’d honestly at least prefer not to encourage it. I’m certainly skeptical that anyone could ever come close to my one true love, a pint of cookie dough ice cream.
We will, however, be giving out tax benefits for adopting a cat with 3-5 of your closest friends. After much discussion, we decided that this seems like the foundation for the optimal lifestyle.
Finally, we kindly ask you to please admit that sexual attraction has been some big, elaborate joke this entire time as it’s getting kind of old. It was all a joke, right?
Anyone who refuses to obey will see a reduction in their garlic bread rations. The Council of the Asexuals and Aromantics thanks you for your compliance in our quest for world domination.