The Masculine Urge to Get a Mullet

By Alex Murphy

Halloween, although long gone, obviously tends to spread some rather comical horror; however, no fear is greater than your girlfriend’s fear of her man’s impulsive haircuts. Yes, we’ve all been there. Perform poorly athletically? Get a haircut. Fail an exam? Get a haircut. Change of season? Get a haircut. There can always be a legitimate reason for getting a haircut if you try hard enough, whether good, bad, or ugly. Which leads to my next point: it grants even more of a reason to give your plus one the constant anxiety about the next time you choose to strike.

Well, I chose to strike during the most frightening time of year. Get enough healthy peer pressure to push you over the edge. You can do anything you put your mind to when you have a bunch of college guys egging you on with both their actions and their words. Oh yes, I was not the only one to venture on this endeavor. Not one, not two, not three, but four of my Tweedledee and Tweedledumb teammates and I decided to take the leap of faith and cut each other's hair in order to seek out the ever so godly sea from heaven. Christ only wishes he could pull it off.

The infamous mullet. Every man who has ever lived has gone through a phase where they think they have what it takes to represent the Patrick Swayze’s, Rob Lowe’s, and the Billy Ray Cyrus’s of the world. Few have mastered this art. Many have failed miserably trying, but I myself believe that I fall somewhere right in the middle. I’ll let you the audience determine that for yourselves.

vs.

*The Elegance and Class that is The Mullet™*

After all this, you might still be wondering, why did I do it? If anyone knew me a few years ago, you would never catch me doing something like this. I am from redneck-plentiful, southeastern Virginia. I currently look like every other white guy that graduated in 2021 from Grafton High School minus the raised, straight-pipe, diesel-engine truck; firearms license and MAGA hat. So again, why did I do it? The short answer is impulse. The lengthier answer is the freedom of letting go of the things that really don’t matter, but yet we tend to worry about even-still. So often I find myself saying no and asking myself why would anyone do that? In this case, I said “Why not?” and went for it.

I also just wanted to be quirky.

Anyways, you’re here because you think you have what it takes to grace the eyes of broads everywhere with the business in the front and the absolute rocking of a party in the back with a flow more beautifully crafted than the cool blue ocean flowing downstream.

You must be thinking: if the legends can do it, why can’t I? Well you’re damn right you can do it! I recommend you do it, while you have the chance.

Before you let your parents, girlfriend or employer talk you out of it, here are a few things to consider:

You’re young and this is the best time to say fuck it and pull the trigger because chances are it will grow back faster than you think.
Every man deserves to feel like AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” starts playing when they strut into any given room. Take a chance and feel like a badass. The reward is far greater than any consequence.
There is a direct correlation between mullets and an increase in testicular fortitude, so there is really no excuse to not get one at this point.

So what the hell are you still waiting for? Get out those hair clippers! You don’t even need to go to a barber. Just slash a little off the sides and leave the party flowing on top! If I didn’t inspire you, take the hint from John Stamos and Brad Pitt.

Happy Mullet Season!