Get your mom what she really wants this mother’s day: an arrest in the JonBenet Ramsey case

By: Olivia McCormack

Your mom works so hard, she really does. She’s dealt with your demonic 3-year-old self standing in the doorway announcing that you had puked, and your more haunting 19-year-old self doing the same after a few too many FourLokos. 

After all the puke, tears, and arguments about how old you have to be to watch an R-rated movie; you should get her something nice. You’ve evolved from poorly made macaroni necklaces, to poorly made ceramic bowls, and finally to your current form; which is you just being poor and still trying to find a gift. 

Susan/Cherly/Sarah doesn’t want another necklace from TJ MAXX (she’s a Maxxinista who already knows their inventory) or the cheapest bouquet of flowers from Giant. 

Your mom wants a break in the case of the 1996 murder of beauty pageant star JonBenet Ramsey. And she deserves it. 

Since the Nancy Grace coverage of the murder, your mom has been searching for answers. At first, she bought into the home intruder theory. But she was young and naive then. She’s grown, and so have her theories about the case. 

“It was the brother,” she’ll chime in during family dinners. You weren’t talking about the case, but that doesn’t matter. It’s always on her mind. When you’re discussing how you believe your World Politics-100 course is preparing you to solve the Isreal-Palestine conflict she’ll get this look in her eye, and you just know she’s thinking about the undigested pineapple.

It may not be healthy, but it works for her. Her podcast selection is full of white women dissecting the case while plugging Blue Apron. They haven’t been successful in unmasking the killer, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be. 

Forgo the cheesy card and costume jewelry this year. Devote your time to solving one of the most notorious cold cases in American history, it shouldn’t be too hard.