AU Welcomes No Students Back to Campus by Completing All Construction
by Kayleigh Thompson
After more than two years of ongoing construction projects on AU’s campus, all bulldozers and dump trucks have finally packed up and rolled out just in time for the welcoming of no students back to campus for the fall semester.
From a complete overhaul of underground pipelines, renovations of freshman dorms, and the construction of the brand new Hall of Science, American University’s campus has been marked by sectioned off areas of rubble, exposed drainage systems, and loud digging since at least Spring 2018. Students had become accustomed to alternative routes to class, early alarm clocks via power drilling, and sitting on a torn up quad that was somehow always muddy.
In a press release from Sunday afternoon, the American University Office of Construction Life boasted, "We consider these projects to be a complete success! We only had to do each step twice, and we kept the number of students mortally injured by construction equipment to what we are calling, 'acceptably high.'" The release went on to exclaim, "campus will be fully completed in time for approximately zero on-campus events this semester."
In an email sent to the student body, the administration also congratulated themselves on the mighty effort of putting down fake grass and chairs in the LA quad and spending extra hundreds of thousands on redoing an entire year’s work of renovated pipelines.
Releasing new images of a rubble-free quad, the Office created excitement for spending a semester enjoying the new amenities through their zoom cameras, promoting beloved events like Dogs on the Quad and the weekly farmers market which students can watch from the comfort of their couches around the country.
“Seeing beloved faculty petting dogs and buying bread through Zoom is exactly what our student body needs to get them through this online semester,” VP of Campus Life and Inclusive Excellence Fanta Aw said in a statement to the Rival, “We wanted to make sure all construction was finished just in time for students to look at photos and pretend that they are quadding with all of their wonky friends! #wonk #campusLIFE”
In addition to the renovations and revamps of existing campus amenities, the new Hall of Science is set for its grand opening. With brand new, high tech biology, chemistry, and physics labs, study rooms, and whiteboard walls, the Hall of Science is certainly the next best thing since the Don Meyers Technical Innovation building opened on East Campus. Students will be granted state of the art learning experiences in classrooms that do not violate DC building codes-- that is, when they are allowed back on campus.
As the Fall 2020 semester is entirely online, AU students will be able to enjoy the clean, newly renovated campus and new Hall through Zoom, social media posts, or the occasional snapchat from a friend who still lives close enough to campus to listlessly mull around from time to time. Photoshopping images of themselves on the quad or using new images as Zoom backgrounds have been promoted as coping methods from the AU Counseling Center while the community waits for “a return to normalcy”.
The Rival has several reporters on the ground near AU getting the latest images of Wonk Cat, the vandalized American University sign on East Campus, and private virtual tours of the abandoned Beeghly Building.