10 Joes to Vote For Instead of Joe Biden

by Olivia McCormack and Lucas Trevor

With the hectic 2020 campaign cycle taking a coronavirus break, we decided to scout out the top 10 Joes to support in this November’s elections. Sure not all of them are running, and some of them technically might be fictional, but they deserve your support and have a real chance to win!

Joe Pesci

Weighing in at a dominating 5 feet and 4 inches tall, Joe Pesci has been a world class actor for the past 40 years. His breakout role as Joey, Jake Lamotta’s brother in Raging Bull, garnered him an Oscar nomination for supporting actor, and since then his career has stayed interesting, and diverse. Pesci has played everything from New York based mobsters to a New York based lawyer to a small time criminal in the tri-state area. Add to that the fact he gave the shortest speech in Oscars history and you get a short king who is gonna tell it like it is and give a 4 minute State of the Union address. - Lucas Trevor

Joe Jonas

As the undeniably hottest member of the Jonas Brothers (circa 2010) he knows how to command a room of hormonal monsters, perfect for Congress. All he has to do is bust out “Cake by the Ocean” or “Sucker” and Ted Cruz will be too hard to stand up and filibuster. His biggest flaws come from his descriptions in angsty teen pop songs. In Aly & Aj’s “Potential Breakup Song” it is revealed that Jonas FORGOT AJ’s birthday WHILE they were dating. Would he forget the fourth of July? Arbor day? Those are questions that he would have to answer during his campaign. - Olivia McCormack

Joe Montana

He’s a household name. He’s a 63 year old white dude with no progressive history. He instantly secures the electoral votes in California (the 49ers), Missouri (the Chiefs), and the Catholic vote across the entire United States (went to Notre Dame). And let’s be honest, can you tell with 100% certainty which of these men is 4 Time Super Bowl Champion Joe Montana and which is Steve Bullock, former Democratic presidential candidate and current Governor of Montana? - Lucas

JoJo Siwa

If she regulated big business as tightly as she ties her ponytail America may never again face a recession. I always knew the first female president would be a wealthy white woman from reality TV, I just thought it was going to be Snooki because of her rich ties to the Italian community. I don’t know what JoJo Siwa does, as I am not a 9-year-old girl whose newly single father is trying to connect with me by taking me to one of her events. But I do know this child is both richer and taller at 5’9 (this is Olivia, not Lucas who is allegedly 5’11) than I will ever be. Plus being rich and tall seems to be the only qualifications you need to be the leader of the free world. - Olivia

“Mean” Joe Greene

The most important states in any presidential election are called “swing states” -- yo politico, you should hire me -- and experts like that one freshman who desperately needs participation points in your GOVT 110 class think that this election cycle the major swing states will be Arizona, Florida, Michigan, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.  In addition, it seems that shifting demographics and the recent success of progressives like Beto O'Rourke and Stacey Abrams could put states like Texas and Georgia into play for either party. The final piece to a potentially successful presidential run is holding down stronghold states for both parties like California and New York on the left, and Indiana, Mississippi and the Dakotas on the right. In trying to build this diverse coalition of voters only one thing can bring people together and build a bridge where there was once a divide. The indescribably freshness of a bottle of Coke. - Lucas

Joe Exotic

The only Joe on this list who actually has political experience. As a predatory white man, he would fit right in on Capitol Hill. What candidate hasn’t dealt with allegations of a sexual, or animal nature. Sure. He’s murdered a fair share of tigers, supplied meth to teens in exchange for relationships, and likely burned down his own alligator exhibit for the money and attention. Look, you don’t always get to vote for the candidates of your dreams. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and vote for the lesser of two evils. It’s either Joe Exotic or Carold Baskin, the choice is up to you. - Olivia

Joseph son of Jacob, son of Matthan, son of Eleazar, son of Eliud, son of Achim, son of Zadok, son of Azor, son of Eliakim, son of Abiud, son of Zerubbabel, son of Shealtiel, son of Jeconiah, son of Josiah, son of Amon, son of Manasseh, son of Hezekiah, son of Ahaz, son of Jotham son of Uzziah, son of Jehoram, son of Jehoshaphat, son of Asa, son of Abijah, son of Rehoboam, son of Solomon, son of David and Bathsheba, son of Jesse, son of Obed, son of Boaz and Ruth, son of Salmon and Rachab, son of Nahshon, son of Amminadab, son of Ram, son of Hezron, son of Perez, son of Judah and Tamar, son of Jacob, son of Issac, son of Abraham.

I'm gonna keep this one short. This Joseph co-parented the son of God, so I think he could handle this sweet land of liberty we call AMERICA. - Lucas

Joe Maganiello (Specifically his character from Magic Mike)

This man has been a police officer and a member of the United States military. He held those offices with the grace and dignity they deserve as he thrust erratically on stage in the MMCU (Magic Mike Cinematic Universe). Specifically in such pictures as Magic Mike (directed by Steven Soderbergh) and Magic Mike XXL (poignantly missing Steven Soderbergh’s voice). In Spiderman he showed his true talent, pretending to get beat up by Tobey Maguire, which takes incredible acting abilities. He is also a trophy husband, and I think it’s time for one of those to return to the Whitehouse (looking at you Franklin Pierce). - Olivia

Joey Bada$$

Born in Brooklyn New York, Joey Bada$$ represents the most recent wave of East Coast Hip Hop. His most recent album, ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$, was released in April of 2017 and focuses on inequality in the United States, his own life in capitalist America, and the lasting impact of the transatlantic slave trade on the Black community. Bada$$ was a vocal supporter of Colin Kapaernick and his protests of the NFL and an even more vocal opponent of the Trump administration. In an interview from just before the release of ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$ the rapper stated plainly that, “People have to realize and wake up and notice that the country is not here to benefit everyone that's living in it.” A vote for Joey Bada$$ is a vote for a cool as hell America - Lucas

Joseph Gordon Levit

If a man tells you his favorite movie 500 Days of Summer put your pants back on and run. Joseph Gordon Levit believes his character in the movie was “selfish” and not someone to be romanticized. King shit. Any man who can’t stand Tom Hansen is good in my book. - Olivia