Why No College Boy Can Compare To Your First Crush, Brandon

by Olivia McCormack

Names changed to protect the innocent.

You were sobbing on your mom’s pantyhose. She had to go to work and was leaving you in a concrete dungeon that smelled like piss and cheerios (nut free because KEVIN had allergies, don’t get your mom started). A woman wearing more blush than your grandmother on Easter Sunday beckoned you to sit, “criss cross applesauce,” on multi-color foam mats splattered with suspicious looking stains. To this day, you have no idea what, “criss cross applesauce,” means. But you know that you really enjoyed saying it.

You sat, still sniffling with nostrils full of your mom’s Calvin Klein perfume and there he was. He was throwing toy cars at the other sobbing toddlers and making crashing sounds. His, “Dragon Tales,” T-shirt caught your eye. You also partook in the time honored tradition of the Dragon Tales chant. (“"I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart.")The other girls in your class shied away, but you saw something different in him. He was unique and gave you the same feelings that Shark Boy did. 

You picked up one of his cars, you threw it at him, and that was it. Your romance took off faster than Joey’s silly band collection in 2009. The next year was filled with playing house, holding hands, and trading snacks. He would comment on your paper snowflakes and let you play on his GameBoy.

But all good things have to end, and Brandon changed schools. It could be because adults couldn’t understand your love, but it was more likely because he kept throwing forks at people (a bad boy). And you were left with a broken heart and extra animal crackers. Luckily time (and a short attention span) heals all wounds, and soon you would find another to fill the space next to you at nap time. Which is where the problem arises, no man can fill Brandon’s size 4 Heelys.

Brandon’s style was meticulously picked out from Oshkosh, his dad fixed his hair every morning and on picture day he even wore a little suit. I can tell you what the boy you are talking to is wearing right now. A shirt from Target that he hasn’t washed in 2 weeks and jeans he hasn’t washed in 6 (the last time his mom visited). Was I right? Yeah, I fucking thought so.

Brandon played with you during the day, he would push you on the swings and laugh when you tried to go fast enough to flip around the swing set. When was the last time Alex from frisbee even looked your way before 9:30pm and 3 natty lights? Has Tyler from *redacted fraternity* ever LEFT the bumping club penguin server to go on a virtual date with you? No, because he was too busy getting high and talking about how Bojack Horseman just, “gets him.”

The one bump in your relationship was when you caught Brandon hugging Catherine C. (fucking bitch) by the rope swing. He apologized profusely and gave you his Fruit Roll Up, the kind with the tongue tattoo, so you knew he was sorry. And then he told you that you were the prettiest girl in Ms. Orian’s class, maybe even the whole school (except for the 5th graders, some of them even had to wear bras). Fifteen years later in a shitty bar, your crush kissed your friend while you waited in line for the bathroom. He gave you and thumbs up and later commented that he wished your boobs were bigger.

So Brandon (firmly not his name) thank you for showing the collegiate ladies how it was supposed to be way back in the early 00’s. I’m sure you’re a huge douche now (confirmed by facebook) but you set the bar really high, and for that I have to show my appreciation.

Maybe one day we’ll meet again…