AU Cryptids and where to find them
by Emmy Goyette
A Cryptid is an animal or creature stemming from folklore and urban legend whose existence has not been completely proven. Cryptids, such as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, are supernatural and mythical in nature, shrouded in mystery, intrigue, and story. Their existence is mentioned across the world, near, far, and as close to home as our beloved American University. We at the Rival have been researching and collecting information on AU Cryptids for a long time, and after studying their habits and mythos, we can finally present you with the following warning of what lurks in the darkness on campus. While I caution you against seeking any out, as I haven’t heard back from anyone who has, here is your guide to AU Cryptids and where to find them.
10) Wonkbat
You may have heard of Wonkbat if you’ve found yourself in Letts Hall or on Barstool American, two rather upsetting places to be. Wonkbat is a tiny creature who sneaks into the windows of different buildings on campus, always waiting in the dark to terrorize innocent students. Similar to Wonk Cat, what makes Wonkbat different from a regular bat is its ability to attract and fascinate large crowds, distracting undergraduate scholars from their sleep and studies. While Wonkbat is one of the more harmless of the bunch, be careful if you ever encounter it. You’ll lose valuable time lost in it’s allure.
9) The Katzen Banshee
The Katzen Banshee can be found among the Katzen practice rooms, trying to reach that high note she tells all of her friends she can hit effortlessly. She floats ominously around the caverns of Katzen, haunting late night artists with her anguished echoes. The banshee is a disquieting anomaly, who for some reason picked American University to study musical theater. Listen carefully and you may be able to hear her ghoulish songs all the way on East Campus. She’s incredibly rare and all the more unsettling.
8) TDR Ceiling Creature
We all know someone with a story about the TDR ceiling. One person may claim that, freshman year, a rat fell into their salad. Another may say it was a cockroach when it happened to them. While some think that the majority of these stories are made up, I doubt that people would just lie for attention. Therefore, I have come to believe that something insidious lives in the TDR ceiling. While I’ve never seen it myself, what else could explain all the stories of disaster raining from the plaster? We believe that this creature crawls around the vents and drops bugs, rubber bands, and other unpleasant surprises right onto the watery spaghetti of unsuspecting passersby. We have much more to learn about the TDR ceiling creature.
7) Wonkfoot
From far away Wonkfoot resembles a man, but once you get closer you’ll notice that his skin is obscured by a thick layer of checkered ties. His eyes shine as red as his political affiliation, scarier than the devil for whom he plays advocate. He rattles around SIS in the dead of night telling whoever might listen about his internship on the hill. He never notices that nobody can hear him, because he never takes a breath to stop talking about himself. Listen carefully if you ever find yourself on campus at night, and you may hear him listening to Ben Shapiro’s podcast.
6) The Loch Bend Monster
The Loch Bend Monster, known as Bendie to her friends, is a prehistoric dinosaur-like creature who’s been living in the depths of Reeves Aquatic Center since the dawn of time. She’s an ancient entity who was here long before Clawed, and she’ll still be the only one attending club swim practice long after he is extinct. Her ability to survive on chlorine, lost goggles, and free-swim pool floaties makes her one of AU’s most evolutionarily adept predators. Be warned, she’s been known to stalk the Valentine’s day pool party, on the hunt for lifeguards and lonely college students. Swim at your own risk.
5) Kogodman
He’s tall, thin, and pale, and can usually be spotted dressed in a suit for an early morning class. A distant cousin of Slenderman, Kogodman can be found lurking in the stairwells of Kogod, trying to sell pens to those passing through and asking women if they know what the stock market is. He won’t show up in pictures, so don’t even try. Otherwise, he’ll ask you to untag him before his employer can see. Don’t look too close, or you might see behind his popped collar and notice his cold, empty stare. And never, ever, tell him that Jordan Belfort was actually a biology major. I have no idea what might happen.
4) The AU Football Quarterback
You’ll find the AU quarterback lurking in the locker rooms of Jacobs Fitness Center, searching for the rest of his undefeated football team. He subsists on a diet of protein powder and people who enjoy going to AU sports games. Every once and awhile, Sylvia Burwell attempts to lure him out of hiding with a school sponsored tailgate but he refuses to go, because the ratio is off. If you ever find yourself feeling like you're being watched, or sense a cold shiver up your spine while you use the leg press, know that he’s breathing down the back of your neck waiting to correct your form. Don’t get too close or he’ll force you to tell him how much you can bench.
3) Beeghly
Legend says that Beeghly is the old chemistry building at American University. While some claim that they’ve seen Beeghly, or even had a class in Beeghly, I doubt the validity of these claims, given that many of my sources can no longer be reached for comment. Beeghly is rumored to be somewhere near the track, so perhaps the athletes could provide more insight, but AU athletes also tend to exist in somewhat of a cryptic state. Supposedly, Beeghly flits in and out of existence behind the new science hall, flirting with our earthly realm and beckoning smokers and other late night revelers of AU into its shadows. Beeghly may serve as a portal for other entities that creep around the school, but it also may simply be nothing, a void in the dirt that reminds us of buildings lost to relentless construction. Either way, be warned if Beeghly appears on your schedule. I don’t know what awaits you behind the shiny new hall of science.
2) The Mothman
Actual Cryptid, lives in West Virginia.
Part moth, part man, and that’s about it.
1) The Jersey Devil
Legend says that the Jersey Devil is a winged, goatlike creature that terrorizes the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey. If you’ve ever had the privilege of sitting through the first day of AUx, you’ll know that many Jersey Devils also stalk the halls of American University. Making up a disproportionate amount of our population, you’ll find them lurking in the alcoves of MGC pretending to be Italian and debating whether Central Jersey exists or not. The most troubling part of an AU Jersey Devil is their ability to blend in with unsuspecting civilians. So, my friends, next time you think you’re safe, take a look at your roommate from the city and ask yourself,
what do they really mean when they say they’re from just outside of Manhattan?
Finally, if you have any additional information about these entities, please contact the Rival immediately. We advise that the contact is made from a burner phone. You’ll thank us later.