Who Would Survive A Zombie Apocalypse? 2020 Presidential Candidates Edition

by Grace Bruer

As of my writing this, there are 16 people running for President of the United States in 2020, including 12 Democrats. While some people are concerned with the candidate’s “policies,” “electability,” or “ideals,” I’m here to talk about the real issue: who amongst these candidates would survive a zombie apocalypse? In this piece, I will rank them from least to most likely to survive, and support my arguments with facts. However I, like the DNC, have no desire to listen and learn about all of the candidates in this race, so I’m only ranking the ones who qualified for the January debate. With the addition of one wild card -- a little Kamala, as a treat.

LEAST LIKELY TO SURVIVE

7. Former Vice President Joe Biden (D-DE)(From: PA)

Biden has many things going against him. For starters, he’s bordering on senile. He also lives in Delaware, which is already a suburban wasteland without the existence of a zombie apocalypse. He did not serve in the Vietnam War, it is unknown if he knows how to use a gun well, and he’s not buff. He’s also lacking in wilderness skills due to his living in Scranton, PA, and Wilmington, DE. Finally, he takes Amtrak frequently, and anyone who’s been on an Amtrak train knows those trains are one of the biggest breeding grounds for disease. Let’s be real-- Uncle Joe is gonna die.

6. Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA)(From: CA)

Despite her good health and average age, Kamala Harris would not last long in the zombie apocalypse. While we don’t know how buff she is under her Hillary Clinton inspired pantsuits, and we don’t know how well she can use a gun, both of which would change her survivability drastically. Even if she has incredible firepower in both her muscles and gun use, though, she has an Achilles heel that keeps her from the top of this list. At the end of the day Kamala Harris is a cop, and her cop-brain would take over the minute she saw Patient Zero. Imagine this: Kamala approaches the victim cautiously. With all the authoritarian gravitas she can muster, she asks the question that will be her last-- “Sir, are you under the influence right now?”

5. Pete Buttigieg (D-IN)(From: IN)

Though Pete Buttigieg is a combat veteran, fairly young, healthy, and well versed in traversing wastelands due to being from Indiana, he is lacking something crucial to post-apocalyptic survival-- a spine. Yes, he is willing to sacrifice things dear to him (as proven by making his husband see Hamilton with whoever gives him the most campaign money), but that can only take you so far during armageddon. Surviving the zombie apocalypse requires a backbone that Mayor Pete just does not have.

A SOLID 50/50 CHANCE OF SURVIVAL

4. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)(From: MN)

As we know from the multiple reports of Klobuchar throwing things at staffers, she is apt at using improvised weapons. I’d also wager that she can shoot a gun considering that she’s from Minnesota, which also lends her survival instincts. However, she is prone to thinking she’s being badass when she’s not. “I read the damn bill” is not nearly as cool as she thinks it is. This leads me to believe that she, like many before her, will fall victim to cockiness. Who knows though, maybe half of a New York Times editorial board will lend her strength.

3. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)(From: OK)

Warren may seem high up for someone 70 years old, but hear me out. She was the youngest of four children, the only girl amongst them, and grew up on a farm in Oklahoma. Farm girls-- especially ones with older brothers-- are notoriously strong when threatened. Also, anyone from the Midwest has survival skills rivaled only by people from the Northeast, due to the former region being a wasteland of corn and cows (I have never been to the Midwest). Her only pitfalls are truly her age and her seeming lack of muscle mass, which could be made up for by her persistence and her ability to deflect and spin anything.

2. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)(From: NYC)

The man, the myth, the legend: Bernard Sanders. Though his age is both a negative factor in the election as well as the zombie apocalypse, his resilience is unmatched. Bernie looked better after having a heart attack. He also has a unique blend of Brooklyn rage and Vermont wilderness training, both of which will absolutely come in handy. Again, his age and the health problems that come with it are definitely marks against him, but he is nothing if not steadfast.

MOST LIKELY TO SURVIVE

1. John Delaney (D-MD)(From: NJ)

For the candidate I have deemed most likely to survive, a picture’s worth a thousand words. Just look at him and tell me he wouldn’t rip those zombies limb from centrist limb.