The ‘Space Jam’ Exit Survey
compiled by Lucas Trevor
In 1996, Roger Ebert gave Space Jam a 4.5 out of 5 stars calling it, “a family movie in the best sense (which means the adults will enjoy it, too).” The Rival Staff set out to review the Michael Jordan led classic, comment on his abilities both artistic and athletic, and decide once and for all whether the movie about space monstars stealing NBA player’s talent is worth the coming sequel.
1. What is your <50 word review of Space Jam?
Olivia McCormack: Space Jam Fucks. This anti-capitalist, anti-exploitation movie radicalized me as a child and I thank it for that. It deserves the admiration millennials place upon it.
Zane Goins: It was fun for exactly an hour and twenty minutes and if it had been any longer it would not have been fun.
Noah Stevens: This movie was too sexy. You know it was. We all know how sexy this movie was. This isn’t Roger Rabbit, folks. Pack up the sexy music and just show me some balls. Er, baseballs.....I mean, basketballs. Yeah, basketballs.
Anying Guo: Hey, uhh how did they market this to Michael Jordan? Or did they just slide him a Post-it note of numbers and his only reply was a curt nod?
2. What was the best moment of the film?
Goins: Bill fuckin’ Murray
Stevens: Any time Larry Bird is on screen. That man was acting his ass off.
I too, rumbled.
3. If you were not watching this for The Rival, at what point would you have turned it off?
Stevens: I would have watched the whole thing regardless because, unlike Michael Jordan, I don’t have a crippling gambling problem that causes me to quit things just as they’re getting good.
Goins: Seeing as how I had not seen this film until forced to by one Lucas Trevor, I probably would have turned it off right before it started and gone back to catching up on Mad Men five years too late.
McCormack: The first second when the predatory voice of R. Kelly invaded my ears. A scorn on an otherwise tasteful work of cinema.
Guo: I should’ve stopped as soon as the visual similarities to the hit 2018 movie Venom became clear.
4. What are your thoughts on the animation?
Guo: In one word, seamless. In two words, seamlessly disturbing. So, yeah, I very much enjoyed
Goins: I enjoy the campy look of the film and try my best not to judge film by the animation technology available to the movie makers at the time.
Stevens: It doesn’t really hold up. The lip dubbing for the Monstars was off the whole time, and Bill Murray just looked unrealistic.
McCormack: If they make the new Bugs Bunny look like Will Smith’s Genie I will be speaking to an attorney. Keep it campy.
5. How many real NBA players can you name that were in Space Jam?
Goins: Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy, and Danny Devito
McCormack: I knew who Bill Murray was and he was a professional bowler in Kingpin, does that count? Honestly like 3 and one of them was because he was on New Girl.
Stevens: I can name Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, and Muggsy by sight. By the way, was the joke that Michael Jordan’s dog was named Charles.....Barkley? Did anyone else wonder that?
Guo: I feel very Seen by the inclusion of Lola Bunny, who represents the tiny tittie population. But apparently, she’s also single-handedly responsible for the exponential social spread of the furry demographic.
6. What would you grade Michael Jordan’s acting performance on a scale of 1-23?
McCormack: Micheal Jordan is not a professional actor YET did so beautifully with props due to his animated costars. This man was ROBBED of an academy award. Game of Thrones gets hype for acting with fake dragons but Jordan did it first. 23. As if it even needed to be said.
Goins: 23 because he wasn’t acting. They just pointed a camera at a person who has cameras shoved into his face every day and told him to be himself.
Guo: I won’t lie, I’m constantly impressed by athletes who give acting a whirl, but I can’t help but think that Lebron James’ turn in Trainwreck where he revealed his penchant for Downton Abbey and a sensitivity we often don’t see from the basketball realm in a less than five minute scene was just better. Also, I have a crush on Space Jam-era Michael Jordan and I will NOT be taking questions at this time.
Stevens: .202, which seems fair given that nobody can be good at everything.
7. Will you be seeing Space Jam 2 in theatres on July 12th, 2021?
Stevens: I’ll be in the front row, baby. Bring on the Bron.
McCormack: My bio on Instagram is a live countdown until Space Jam 2 is in theaters (851 days as of 3/18). Yes.
Goins: Will I, Lucas Trevor? (yes he will)
Guo: I can’t believe no one told me to watch Space Jam until this exit survey. So yeah, I’ll be at the midnight premiere. Probably on the opposite side of Lucas.