6 Things To Do When You’re Sexiled
by Maria Russinovich
So you’ve been sexiled. What’s next? Here at The Rival American feel your pain and want to help you fill your time now that you aren’t allowed to waste away your day in the comfort of your own bed. Below are six suggestions of things to do when you’re being sexiled, and I hope they make your day a little bit more tolerable.
1. Wait in line at the Dav:
While your roommate is “gettin’ it on” with their special someone, (or a random Tinder hookup, no judgement) a great way to spend your time is by waiting in the astronomically long line at the Dav! Whether you’re craving a simple tea, or a nice Colombian roast, the Dav has everything that a sexiled Wonk could want. While you’re waiting with other coffee addicts, take a look around at what the Dav has to offer line-goers, from a multitude of stupid thick books, to giant blackboards which will inspire your inner artist. By the time you’ve gotten through the line and received your order, (about an hour later) you should be safe to go back to your room just in time to awkwardly walk past your roommate’s “special friend” in the hallway.
2. Struggle through a workout at Jacob’s:
If your roommate has kindly given you some notice before you’re going to be banished from the room, change into some athletic clothes and move your butt on down to Bender for a nice, relaxing trip to Jacob’s Fitness Center. Granted, have you stepped foot in the gym this semester? Have you even thought about the gym at all? If you answered no to either of these questions then I have the perfect workout plan for you! Go on the stationary bike, set the resistance to 1, and spend the next 45 minutes to an hour watching the worst reality TV show you can find. Also, who knows? You may make eye contact with that gym bro from your 8:10 sociology class and Jacob’s *magic* could lead to a spiritual bond.
3. Eat alone at TDR:
If you’re lucky enough to have a plentiful amount of meal swipes, then I suggest wasting one at TDR when you can’t access the stash of snacks in your room. When you get to TDR, you’ll be bombarded by a shockingly wide array of food, from a stir fry bar, to pizza, you name it, TDR’s probably got it. The issue is, while there’s an abundance of food for you to choose from, is it really worth eating? I mean, you don’t have much choice because you’ve already swiped in at this point, but nothing at TDR is really worth the $13 or so you’ve just spent, so I suggest you settle down at a table, grab a cup of coffee, and stalk your crush on social media. However, if you do choose to eat something, when you’re done at TDR, you have a great chance to socialize with the AU Sustainability club when you compost your food, or don’t and feel some emotion for once.
4. Pick up a hobby you’ll quickly give up:
Over the break, I found a new passion in doing puzzles. I completed at least three 1000 piece puzzles which I subsequently would break apart and box up to never be opened again. Much like a puzzle’s one-time use, your roommate’s one night stand will make you go to great lengths to find things in order to not die of boredom. While you’re waiting for the smell of sex to waft out of your room, find yourself a new hobby! Whether it’s going to CVS and buying a crappy puzzle of a couple of puppies in a basket, or taking a daring trip to Michaels for the start of your embroidery career -- no matter what you choose, once your room is ready to enter again, you’ll never look at that puzzle or thread ever again, (or until the next time you’re sexiled :/ ).
5. Find yourself new roommates:
If you’ve got a particularly *promiscuous* roommate, and you tend to spend more time in other people’s rooms than your own, it may be the time to become someone’s unofficial new roommate! This can be a fun process, and you can make a game out of it by making your friends prove to you how much they’ll do for you when you’re sexiled, (because being ousted from your own room is a traumatic experience, and everyone should pity you.) When the time comes for you to start the vetting process of choosing your new home in the dorms, here are some pointers. First, know what their taste in music is, because as the junior most member of the room you’ll have very limited aux privileges. Second, know their eating habits because if they like to microwave leftover fish sticks every night, then your room’s going to smell whack 24/7. Finally, and most importantly, gauge how single they’re going to be for the rest of the semester because you don’t want to go through this whole process again, do you?
6. Write an article about it:
Okay this one is very specific to me, but hey, I have an article quota to fill, and why not get it done this way? (Also if my roommate sees this, hi, hope you’re well, please remember to use protection!)
Whether or not you actually do any of these 6 things I suggested, I hope you can find something “productive” to do while your roommate is preoccupied. Also, I hope you can one day return the favor so your roommate can feel the pain you’ve gone through. Not that it’s all about revenge though, right?