by Anying Guo

by Anying Guo

Hey. We haven’t talked in a while. I figure we should catch up, rediscover who we are to each other again. Learn why we ever fell in love in the first place, you know? But I’m disregarding the niceties, because let’s face it, there’s only one reason why former flames meet up after an extended no-contact period.

(The Rival American) Sex (week).

In all fairness, it’s been awhile since we last saw each other. I know, I know I’m taking up a lot of time with this introduction, but I’ve missed you and rereading the contents of my other Oddly Specific Sexy-Time Playlists has led to some personal reflection:. First of all, I, too, am disgusted that for the first two years of my college experience I voluntarily used the word “sexy-time” to describe what these playlist articles entail. But the heart of what I took away was that 1) my music taste has barely changed, 2) Lemonade, the visual album by American musical artist Beyonce Knowles, was cheated and undermined by the mainstream award system, and 3) I’ve missed sharing with you my smoothly curated playlists specific to very, very niche scenarios.

In short, @ The Rival AU audience: I’ve missed you.

And to close out this mild trilogy of playlist articles, I’ve gone down a more nostalgic route, recalling all the niche storylines I’ve constructed in the past but tinged with a bit of my personal undergraduate narrative with intimacy. Thanks for being my personal ride-along for the past four years. Here is the last batch of oddly specific sexy-time playlists.

Lemme Ghost You. My Final Serenade? This Playlist.

Ghosting has had a much more damaging emotional toll on people, especially as virtual dating apps continue to infiltrate our lives. Bad as the act is, most of us have been on the action end of this deed. The spark isn’t there and frankly, it’s draining to have to connect intimately and instantly with somebody. Also you have no idea why you swiped right on someone with that awful Michael Scott/Wayne Gretski quote in their bio but now you’re FULLY feeling the consequences because they’re just so nice. Your conscience is screaming the moral decision of telling them the truth. You still take the easy way out. You ghost. And after you put your phone on airplane mode for the rest of your life, sooth your guilt by listening to this.

The Obligatory Break-Up Playlist That Isn’t Just The Entirety of “Melodrama” (2017)

I don’t think you ever really forget your first real heartbreak, as hard as you may try to extract it from replaying over and over in your head. It’s the one that makes the prior break-ups feel thousands of miles away and thinking about curbstomps your heart into your asshole. Breathing in a bit too hard that your nostrils continually feels the depth of each sharp intake. You suddenly want to apologize to any melodramatic soliloquies your friends have given about their heartbreaks. Everything feels a bit out of focus, off-kilter a few inches. In a few weeks, you’ll feel better. But you deserve to feel it all out and cry on public transportation today.

You’ve Come Out To Yourself. Now What?

Bisexual. B-i-s-e-x-u-a-l. Hm. You don’t know if you love the mouthfeel of the label of something you’ve always known. You’ve just shakily come out to your roommates, who react with a mixture of love and empathy and support that you’ve read about in countless online articles. You ALMOST feel like you’re starring in your own Coming Out YouTube video. There will be a lifetime and a half more of engaging with and understanding your sexuality, but you relish in the first steps of acceptance you’ve given yourself. You should’ve known when your Timehop started showing you old tweets where you proclaimed yourself “ally of the year.”

Damn, U Get To Have Sex With Someone U Love? Crazy!

Explicit title aside, sex is weird by all accounts. In high school, you used to think about how well-embroiled in hookup culture you’d be when you hit college. Your undergraduate experience was going to be a time for casual sex, fraternity basements, and pretending you didn’t break down and order McDonald’s for the third night in a row. You learned that being intimate with someone you actually like makes the experience better. One-time hookups with anonymous faces doesn’t quite compare to going back with someone you actually care about. Apparently there are scientific articles that prove that too??? You’re blown away. High school sex education didn’t touch on THAT.

BONUS: Devil’s Advocate or Am I Just Playing Devil’s Advocate

Editor’s note: I suffered so greatly when I posed this scenario. While researching this playlist, I kept in mind that “wonks” would approach sex with the same vigor, single-minded determination, and devil’s advocate passion persona they embody within the classroom. I’ve done my best to ensure these songs reflect the above description.

You’re dating a self-proclaimed, fill-in-blank WONK (who among us hasn’t. Please). I’m talking about your special someone who coincidentally has the absolute worst qualities American University offers funnelled through an unfortunately, very physically attractive vessel. That’s your significant other, and you begrudgingly react with pride when anyone mentions their CV during class. When you’re getting down to the deed with your favorite nerd, you should absolutely have a wonky playlist to match.

EXTRA BONUS: How To Weed Out The Racists In Your Life

This…this is self-explanatory.

Editor’s note: American University senior Peter Close contributed to the last bonus playlist, the making of the featured image, and being an all-around good friend. Thank you for your service, Peter!