FROM THE ARCHIVES: Obama Remote Strikes the Recession With Absolutely No Consequences

This piece is being published as part of The Rival American’s Decade Throwback Thursday

President Obama, next to Secretary Sylvia Burwell, drinks filtered water in Flint, Michigan to prove its safety.

By Zane Goins

The year is about to come to an end so it’s time to reflect on the things that we have to look forward to in the upcoming decade. One year in, and the 2010s sure do seem like they’re shaping up to be a good time. Obama seems to be the first President ever to have not done something wrong so far, and people are beginning to unabashedly partake in the new trend of reality TV due to the 2007 writers’ strike, and, oh, those feather extensions people seemed to always put into their hair? They’re gracelessly dying off.

We can also leave behind some more harrowing things that have left their mark on our collective consciousness these past few years. Swine flu scared the nation, the BP oil spill filled the airwaves for weeks, and last but not least, we are finally beginning to recover from the 2008 financial crisis and ensuing recession.

One thing we can all look forward to is financial security in the coming decades -- Obama’s reforms have promised to take us into a new age of prosperity and stability when it comes to our wallets. Never again will a lack of regulation lead to the ruining of families due to the all-consuming greed of financial institutions, that’s for sure. Issues such as economic anxiety, bubbles of loans that can never be repaid, and dog whistle job creation campaign promises can finally take a backseat as we all buckle down and figure out this whole environment thing.

We have been promised that medical debt in this country will never reach the scale of our dangerously inflated housing market. Surely, now we can all agree that it’s easier to just take care of our fellow citizens, rather than allow them to be put out of house and home due to an emergency room visit. Not only this, but all of our collective fears concerning student loans can now be tossed out the window! There is no way that President Obama and a now Republican Congress would allow for student debt to reach insurmountable sizes and loom over the US economy like a grim reaper waiting to do its job.

Yes, things do look up going into this new, beautiful decade! Democracy is flourishing the world over, and international trade is at an all-time high with everyone seeing the benefit. According to the CDC, infant vaccinations in North America have reached an all-time high and there is no sign of this reversing for any reason whatsoever. We can all finally take a deep sigh of relief, kick back, and enjoy ourselves for a while.