BREAKING: Wonk Rat Releases List of Demands

by Katey Clauson

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The American University campus is trapped under the pressure of an aggressive rodent. No, not Aramark, but the infamous creature come to be known as the Wonk Rat.

And now he’s back — and more belligerent than ever.

In an effort to maintain control of the hostage MegaBytes, our precious bulgogi and bagel factory, the Wonk Rat has released a list of demands; Sylvia Burwell and faculty are scrambling to obey his wishes. The demands are as follows:

  1. Please allow the rest of my rat family to live in peace in MegaBytes

  2. More boxes of lettuce to jump in

  3. $3,000,000

  4. A copy of my favorite film, The Departed

  5. Another season of American Vandal

  6. Sylvia Burwell to personally throw me like a football into a box of lettuce

  7. Decrease the student activity fee

When asked for more information regarding the status of fulfilling the demands, Burwell had no comment.


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