BREAKING: Wonk Rat Releases List of Demands
by Katey Clauson
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The American University campus is trapped under the pressure of an aggressive rodent. No, not Aramark, but the infamous creature come to be known as the Wonk Rat.
And now he’s back — and more belligerent than ever.
In an effort to maintain control of the hostage MegaBytes, our precious bulgogi and bagel factory, the Wonk Rat has released a list of demands; Sylvia Burwell and faculty are scrambling to obey his wishes. The demands are as follows:
Please allow the rest of my rat family to live in peace in MegaBytes
More boxes of lettuce to jump in
A copy of my favorite film, The Departed
Another season of American Vandal
Sylvia Burwell to personally throw me like a football into a box of lettuce
Decrease the student activity fee
When asked for more information regarding the status of fulfilling the demands, Burwell had no comment.