Doing the hibbety-dibbety: Hot, Steamy and Really Fucking Awkward

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by Naomi Eskenazi

There are so many ways sex can be some of the most awkward experiences imaginable, and hookups are a prime breeding ground for countless awkward stories. I mean, c’mon. Sex is pretty weird in it of itself but when you add two naked strangers combined with the perils and hazards of our modern world, there instantly becomes so many opportunities for this to be really uncomfortable.

Sometimes it’s awkward from the beginning, sometimes it’s awkward at the end, or sometimes it’s never not. It’s the part of hook-up culture that never really gets talked about, yet it is probably the most ubiquitous.

So, what do you do when you find yourself in an awkward balls-deep situation? I’m here today to give you some scenarios (and a few really weird sex euphemisms) and answer questions you didn’t even know you had:

Scenario 1: You’re getting it on doing some belly-bumping having a good time, but Youtube Autoplay decides that Hey Duggee’s Squirrel Club would really spice up the mood.

Credit: https://bit.ly/2Gqc3Er

Credit: https://bit.ly/2Gqc3Er

You try to tune it out for a few minutes hoping the other person doesn’t notice - or worse, be turned on by a kids show - but then it becomes unbearable. The wrongness of it all starts becoming more and more apparent despite attempts to tune it out. You want to get up to change it so bad but don’t want to ruin the moment. Then the realization of how weird it is settles in your mind and you begin to bust out laughing. Youtube Autoplay is an enemy disguised as your best friend.

Solution: Try something on Vimeo instead. Just no kids shows please.

Scenario 2: The flip side is, there's always the good chance of really depressing political war song coming on with fun lyrics like; “how many people does a smart bomb kill?”

“Light Up Ya Lighter” by Michael Franti and Spearhead is a great song to get angry or pumped before a protest, but probably not my best choice for a sex playlist. The antithesis but still feverishly awkward cousin to kid shows playing whilst oscillating the unmentionables are political songs about topics like war and how the government sucks. These also have the effect of making me wildly uncomfortable during a bedroom rodeo. Maybe for some that’s what gets them going (Wonks) but those songs just make me angry and get me into a fuck-the-world type mood, not so much a fuck-the-guy mood.

Solution: There’s no winning here, either you’ll get a kids show on autoplay or a really depressing political song. Instead of music or shows, we should just return to our roots as cave people in the good ol’ paleolithic era and have sex to the sweet sounds of the cold prehistoric winds and dinosaurs going extinct while hoping bugs don't crawl where they’re not supposed to. Forget this Netflix and chill garbage, that was what REAL sex was all about.

Scenario 3: You just finish attacking the pink fortress and you’re looking up something on your phone to show them, only to reveal their name in your recent search history.

In this situation do not stare silently hoping they don’t notice (they do). I would say not to lurk or stalk people’s social media as a general rule of thumb, but everyone gets curious from time to time (or you’re like me and have seen too many Catfish episodes and need to make sure your Tinder date isn’t using John Smith, the body building banker from Utah’s pictures instead of their own.

Solution: Always delete your search history. Incognito mode is your best friend. This also goes for times when you weren’t lurking their social media because you never know what embarrassing search results may pop up; i.e. Google Search: “Why is my poop black?” So, as a general rule of thumb, delete your history before a hookup.


Scenario 4: When you walk into their room to hook up and they clearly put a lot of time prepping.

Submarine (2010) dir. by Richard Ayoade

Submarine (2010) dir. by Richard Ayoade

Okay, maybe this is just me, but when I walk into someone’s bedroom and they have the lights dimmed, candles on and bed made - it freaks me out. I do give them credit for cleaning, I appreciate the effort, it’s just the awkwardness of this for me is the fact that it feels unnatural, put on and overthought. If you’re into that though and wanted to do something special - go for it!

Solution: Just please for the love of god if you do, prepare yourself on the difference between the clitoris and urethra first.

Scenario 5: When they underprepped.

Solution: Breath mints exist, and no, I cannot magically spawn condoms.

Scenario 6: Getting walked in on/walking in on someone else.

Men in Black (1997) dir. by Barry Sonnenfeld

Men in Black (1997) dir. by Barry Sonnenfeld

Solution: Yeah you’re gonna need some permanent memory erasing for that.

Scenario 7: They either introduce you to their parents, show you pictures of their ex on their hard drive, or they can’t stop burping.

There are some awkward occurrences here and there that ultimately end up accumulating the entire experience with no redemption in sight.

Solution: Having friends on standby in case everything goes to shit. In any of those cases make sure your friend is parked at the nearest Safeway or 7/11 for quick getaway.

Scenario 8: They catch feelings.

Image:  Alex Abad-Santos Vox

Image:  Alex Abad-Santos Vox

If the feelings are mutual - that’s dope! But sometimes you get with someone for a one-time fling, feel very neutral about it and realize that you feel extreme relief of finally leaving and develop plans of never talking to them again. The only problem is, they won’t stop calling you. You’ve just opened up a whole can of worms. The constant texts, phone calls, the clinginess. You’re suffocating. You can’t breathe. You think about telling them how you feel, but worry they’ll lash out in anger. You cry out; “Stay back! I have ghosting powers and I’m not afraid to use them!!” all in vain.

Solution: The only option in this scenario is to change your name move to somewhere off the grid like fucking Idaho, start a potato farm, and live happily ever after in beautiful solitude. Just you and your potatoes, and potatoes love being ghosted.

But in all seriousness, the awkward times are a part of the beauty of life.

Like anything in life, it can be weird, embarrassing and uncomfortable. That’s normal! These experiences are lessons and can reveal things to you about yourself that you didn’t even know. They can teach you about what you like, what you don’t, or what you’re looking for when you hook-up. To me, life is about getting out of your comfort zone and exploring the uncharted territories - safely of course.

Think about how boring it would be if you didn’t have crazy awkward hilarious sex stories to spill to your best friends at brunch. Or how dull life would be if you couldn’t also laugh about the awkward stories to the person you shared them with. Embrace new experiences and learn to find the humor and joy from them. As long as you’re safe and healthy, don’t sweat the awkward stuff. Have fun, be free, spread the love and let the awkward times roll.